Love Me | MarkNoHyuckMin

chapter seventy three

It's a known fact that thinking is dangerous. Thinking can be good. But it can also be the worst thing you do. Even worse depending on your circumstance. For Haechan, thinking after any sort of conflict is the worse possible thing can do.

But how do you turn off your thoughts?

How do you turn off your feelings? The scenes stuck in your head, playing over and over again as the words tattoo themselves across your heart.

And in them, the pain.

If you're already miserable and crying as much as you possibly can, you don't think it can get much worse. But then something makes you remember that everything, no matter what it is, can always get worse.

I deserve this

If I'd been nicer to that boy about that game in second grade and thought his feelings

If I had a better attitude

If I wasn't so sassy

If I knew how to joke without being mean

If I hadn't gotten upset over that game in first grade and made that girl cry

If I hadn't been such a jerk in fourth and fifth grade

If I hated called the boy an asshole in sixth grade

If I wasn't so sarcastic

If I didn't try to use Jisung

If I was nicer to my siblings

If I never overreacted about the computer in the library with my dad

If I was friendlier

If I was nicer to Jisung when we met

If I hadn't been mean to Jaemin

If I was nicer to Jeno

If I hadn't hurt people

If I was better

Maybe none of this would've happened if I was better

I deserve this

Haechan truly doesn't know how much pain he's supposed to take, how many times he's supposed to feel a piece of his heart break off and disintegrate. He's always thought he deserves this, even before he was made to feel like things were always his fault, but how long does it take to make up for it? Sometimes he wonders if this really is worth everything he's caused. Everyone says it's not, but he can't tell.

He admits he's better, but how much more is he supposed to improve?

Tears rush down his face, blurring his eyesight while all these thoughts became a jumbled mess in his mind.

He wants to text Jisung, but he knows that no one will ever make him feel better right now besides Jaemin. Haechan wants him to take his time, he does, but he hates that it means staying away from him. He knows it's his own fault, he's been thinking since that day Jaemin was led out of his apartment, and temporarily, his life.

When he can get enough control over himself to be able to see his phone screen (decently enough), he texts Jisung.

Cookie🍪

Cookie🍪
Jisung

Jisung
Hi my Cookie

Cookie🍪
I can't do this
I didn't mean to hurt Jaemin. I know
it's my fault but how long do I have
to pay for it?
I miss him
I miss him more than I've ever missed
someone and I wish he would come
back
I'm sorry for everything I ever did, I
just want to hug him again