ONE SHOTS!Jorbyn

A/N|Rant|I Still Do

this stupid song broke me.

before we get started, if you don't want to read about my problems then don't read this chapter.

but if you decide to stay, thanks, I guess.

so first off, this song broke me. i was ten seconds in and i started crying. over the past month, i have been building a wall of 'getting over *******' (im doing the stars for her name.)

then I listened to 'I Still Do' and it came crumbling down. memories I wished to bury, the love i wished to leave, all came back. it hit me like a brick in the face.

i cried and cried. hell, I snuck across the hallway to my susters room and she hugged me as i cried. she told me that it'll be okay and i felt semi better. then i went and listened to it a third time, but i couldn't do it.

I stopped the song and nearly threw my phone at the wall.

its not that I hate the boys, but damn, did they hurt me with that song. I know they didnt mean to hurt me, or anyone else who's trying to move on and hears this stupid song.

i might need some time to digest what really happened last night, or the other night. (depends on when you're reading this.)

back tracking a bit. I'll show you how I broke down, lyrics wise.

There is no better view
Than watching you strip down after we argue
Making it worth all the pain we go through
The smile on your face cos nobody knows you
Like I do

okay, so, in the last view weeks of our relationship, we argued, a lot. over the tiniest things. granted, she didnt strip down, but it felt like it. we'd put the arguement down and hug it out.

sometimes, yes, it helped with the pain, but not all the time. then the smile, oh God, her smile makes me hurt and ache inside. and it was because I remember things that nobody else did. it started to make me cry because I remembered all of this.

I still picture it
it's been a couple of months
I swore in my head
that this was the right thing for us
but its breaking my heart
its breaking it off
and I'm afraid to say
hey, I still do
love you, hate you
I still do
hate to love you
I still do
want you to want me like I'm wanting you
oh I still do

okay, first, I swore to myself that our break and break up were the best for us - even though over the past year and a half that I've known her, my life has been awesome, except the occasional depression times of course.

now I dotn know because it breaks me. and no, I'm not just thinking this because of the lyrics, I've thought about this before the song came out.

and the lyrics,

I still do
love you, hate you

are true, because I hate her for not realizing what was going on, but I still love her deeply because you cant justvthrow down a year of memories and say, 'forget them.' hell, it took all of my will to delete the hundred+ photos I had of her.

i still do
hate to love you

I hate loving her, because she's like a drug. she was my happiness and now it's like I'm quitting, cold turkey. it hurts majorly.

im pretty sure she still wants me like I want her, but won't show it and cant. but life seems to hate us doesnt it? who really has the perfect life? no worries. no depression, or at least sadness. no pain. because I'd really like to know.

Stick to my word when I say I dont want you back
but what if I did, dont hold against me
cos you got the upper hand now that I'm lonely
and I feel the past pulling my body
to tell you I'm sorry

so, for a while there, I was telling myself, i dont want her back because of what happened, but now that i know what it's like to be lonely again after almost a year, I want to tell her, but I have a feeling she'd hold it against me because I'm the one who broke it off in the first place.

I want to tell her I'm sorry for all if this cause it kinda is my fault. I didnt see what was happening st the time and caused this. the past is dragging on me and telling me to say sorry. it sucks.

I still cant help myself
I dont want no one else
it's been the longest time
you're still there, on my mind

this verse hurt a lot too. okay, yeah, I wasn't the best girlfriend ever, but I never wanted anyone else but her. yeah, I fawned over why dont we, Tom Holland, sebastian stan, but I only ever wanted her. yeah, I had some measly crushes, but god, she was my life, man.

then I made a mistake and lost her. it has been a month since we broke up and yet she never fails to leave my mind. never. ay night sometimes, I dream of her, during the day, I dream of her.

life just hates me because i have lost so much over this past summer that it has been the worse summer of my life. no joke. my summers with my idiotic douche bag donor were just a bit better than this.

but oh, well. life will go on and so will I. as much as i dont want to, I'm going to have too.

nevertheless, I still love why dont we, and their songs, but God damn, they dragged me last night and they didnt even mean too.

its a catchy tune, I'll give them that, but damn did it hurt me, but i should go.

I'll talk to you guys later, hopefully.

I love you all and thanks to whoever put up with this 1000+ words in this chapter of shit. I just needed to get it off my chest.

anyway, goodbye, babes.

see ya later I hope...