dé·jà vu / déjà vu
noun:
a feeling of having already experienced the present situation. Also known as a tedious familiarity.
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Back at it again with another twisted, emotional rollercoaster, come join...
Songs to listen to during this chapter: Amber Mark x Love Is Strong • Etana x I Rise • Muxy feat August Alsina x My Day • Tank x Emergency •
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It was 5:48 in the morning, also May 11th. Renae was out on the balcony looking out at the sunrise and admiring the pretty water.
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In 6 days she would become Mrs. Stone, it felt so surreal to her. She went from being anxious to now nervous to walk down the aisle, she couldn't wait to say her vows, she imagined in many ways how Kingston would start his 'First thing first, I did not see this coming.' 'I'm just gonna start off by saying damn.' 'Lord knows I knew you were the one.'
Laughing at the thought, Renae stared at the water thinking if he would cry as she walked down the aisle, she wondered if she would cry, scratch that, she knew she would and she hoped her makeup would be waterproof.
Here she was 6 days away from marrying the love of her life and instead of being in bed trying to sleep, she was up staring at the sunrise daydreaming about her wedding.
"I've come to the realization of why you've been on my mind lately..." Renae spoke softly as she looked up at the sky.
"I told myself I forgave you for all that you've done to me but I wasn't honest. You broke me entirely and I lied to God and everyone else when I said I forgave you..."
"I don't, well I didn't. You can't hold any power over my life anymore, you're dead yet I'm still allowing your spirit and memories to ruin me, not anymore. You never said this and meant it, but all the times I said it I did mean it and even though you hated me, abused me and played me, I still loved you. How could I not? You're were my mom, you carried me for eight and a half months, you gave me life but you didn't write my story, my father in Heaven did, he knew me before I was even here so for him, I love you and I honestly forgive you."
"They always say that we can't choose our family but we can always make a new one. I did and I am making a new one, a new one filled with love and pure love. A family built on laughter, joy, and happiness. A family created out of love that stands firmly on love, one that knows and understands the meaning of I'm sorry. I won't run away from affection or raise my hand to my daughters nor will I raise my voice, I'm aware that there are better ways to talk and I have you to thank for that."
"I thank you for showing me what not to do and what not to say to the ones that I claim I love. I thank you for not loving me because it helped me grow into a woman who wants to do nothing but give love and be loved. I thank you for lying to me because it taught me and showed me that I could only be content with myself if I were always honest, as I mother I vow to protect my kids with my life, I vow to teach them what I couldn't learn from you, what you refused to show and teach me. I promise to love my soon to be husband with my entire being, saying my heart is cliché, but I plan to love him with my entire soul, he's who I should really be thanking for coming into my life and loving every flaw and staying down when I wanted to end it all. But I thank you for showing me what not to do and I thank King... my best friend, my soulmate in this life and in the afterlife, my biggest supporter, I thank him for showing me the right things to do."
