All I Wanted

chapter 75

Haizly
ALL I WANTED

"Do you think you can get me some water?" Anna asks me in a groggy groan. I smile and nod, get up and grab the cup from the stand. I go outside the room and my grandma looks at me.

"She just wanted water." I say as I wave the cup in my hand. She nods. I go down the hall to the machine. She didn't say if she wanted ice or not. I should put some in a different cup in case she does want some. I do just that then go back to the room.

They all left the room when Anna asked to talk to me alone. She woke an hour later when I got here. Everyone in the room made conversation about old times and funny times they encountered over the years. Their stories were really funny, and I didn't know how to react to most.

I handed Anna the cup and she took it quickly and took long sips of it. Good thing it's a large cup.

"Thanks." She says. I didn't even have time to tell her about the ice. I guess it didn't matter to her since she just ripped it out of my grasp.

"Are you feeling okay? Any pain? Do you want me to arrange your pillows?" I ask all in one sentence. She chuckles at me. Even sick she's still smiling. It's good, she has always been like that.

"You've always been like this to me. So nice." She whispers with a smile. "What happened?" She asks, refaring to my rudeness now.

I shrug. "Childhood trauma."

"Your dad was a dick." i nod.

"Very. I mean, he's the reason why I'm like this."

"Have you tried therapy? It could really work for you." I shake my head.

"I've tried that once. Didn't work out well." I remember the day my mom tried taking me to therapy early in the morning. I thought I was going to school but instead she drove me to a place where I felt the most threatened. Literally. How can people talk about their trauma's so easily? I struggle talking about it, and yet, I have the same reaccuring dream all the time as if it's not so traumatizing.

I seriously don't why I'm the one who came out like this. Cara and Josh went through it, too, why aren't they the ones who get to go through this?

Thai sucks. It really sucks. I couldn't be in peace for such a long time because of this. I'd be afraid he'd be back in my life and tried to damage me even more. Id be afraid that somehow, my mother would leave me like my father did.

I was so fucking paranoid because I didn't want her to leave. Id constantly get mad at her for simple things and be afraid that she'd leave me.

Just me.

Because she obviously loved my brothers way more than me. It was pretty much obvious. Josh got the "getting away with things and love", Drake got the "funny and charming", while Cara got the "funny, smart and great humor", while I got the anger issues and abandonment issues.

So my life wasn't as fair as people thought it was outside of my family.

I'd consider myself lucky since my mom did show me love. But she didn't show as much as I wanted her to. Nobody showed me love like my step dad. My step dad!

This all just fucking sucks.

"Plus, I don't think I'm capable of even opening up to a random stranger. It was already tough when I told you." I chuckle, but it was a forced one. There is no humor behind it and my smile is tight.

"I know, mija. I feel bad for what you had to go through. I mean, his dad left him too, why would he want to make his own kids feel the same pain he went through?" She asks in disbelief. She shook her head and looked at the ceiling. "He wasn't like this. He could be really fun at times with you guys." I snort.

"With Josh and Cara. I was never his little girl. Not even when he said I was." All these memories are just making me feel all the pain I've tried so hard not to feel. I've built so many walls in the past that I'm used to not feeling hurt thinking about him and what he did to me. Of how he tried everything in his power to make me look like a useless person. Like I was worth nothing. And for years I believed it.

Until I obviously grew up and remembered that I wasn't the problem. His sick mind was.

"I saw him do good things to you." I nod.

"Yeah, well . . . that was in front of people. Behind everyone he would always hit me. But I don't care anymore. I'm just glad he can't torture me anymore." I say bitterly.

"Are you saying you're glad he's dead?" Anna asks, a shocked look on her face. I shrug.

"I'm not saying that. All I said was that I'm glad hes not here to constantly remind me what a fucking bitch I am. It's all because of him." Anna shakes her head. 

"I'd like to see your grandma now, if you don't mind." I nod and get up.

"Bye." I say then leave the room. I see my grandma and nod to her, then say my goodbyes and leave.

"Haizly, Caleb said to take you straight home." Sean says when he sees me.

"Thanks. That's fine." I say lowly. I walk away from Sean to get to the elevator. I pressed the button and waited a couple seconds before they opened.

I always hated elevator's, but at the moment I felt like I didn't care much like I used to. I feel exhausted and drained, like if I haven't slept in days. It feels like I haven't because of the nightmares. I close my eyes and they're there, waiting for me to close my eyes and sleep. When I wake up it's like only minutes have passed by, but the nightmare so vivid it makes me scared to my bones.

This is the only thing that will ever scare me. I've tried getting away from the past, but my mind won't seem to let it go.

The door opens and I step out, Sean following me toy car.

"George is in the car behind yours. We will be following you." Sean tells me and I nod.

I get in my car and get my keys out of my purse. When the car comes to life, I check the stations for what they had. I decided on the rock station since they're playing Green Day.

I make my way out of the car park and into the street.

My phone buzzed and I checked it.

Kayden:
I like how you set up the tank. The fish and turtles seem to be doing okay. Thanks :)

I smile and put my phone back in my pocket. The drive home was okay, the song was the only thing blasting in my ears- if not the neighborhood-. But do I give a fuck? No. They deal with my music for the day.
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This chapter is boring, I know. But trust me on this one, things will get HEATED !!! And I mean it.

Anyways, thanks for reading. VOTE !!!

-n