All I Wanted

chapter 39

Haizly
ALL I WANTED

Roslyn- Bon Iver, St. Vincent
---
"I'm so sorry." Caleb tells me as he hugs me. I let myself cry on his chest, not having a care in the world if people think I'm crying too loud. "You'll be fine." Caleb rubs my back soothingly as I cry.

"Haizly?" I hear my grandma's voice say and some other footsteps behind her. When I look up from Caleb's arms, I see that she has tears in her eyes. My aunt and her kids are there, so is Cara, Josh and my uncles.
---
 I see my dad reading the bible. He says it's God's book, but I don't understand how he has a book. But I do want one. I was never allowed to touch his because 'I'm still a kid with sticky hands', that's what he tells me.

"Dad, when are you getting me a bible?" I ask him as I sit in front of him on the floor, except he's sitting down on the couch. He sets down the bible and puts it on his knee. he was always so focused on God. He made sure to pray before dinner, pray before turning on the car, and before we went to sleep. I always found it weird but I liked doing it.

"When you're older and when you can properly read." I pout.

"I know how to read." I cross my arms over my chest. "Who is God?" I ask.

"He is our father. He is the one who is always watching over us, who protects us from evil." I frown. Did he say his father? But I thought his dad was in Mexico?

"He is also your father." I rise my head up quickly from the floor to look at him.

"My father? But aren't you my dad?" He stays quiet but then nods.

"Of course I am your dad. But God is everyone's father. He's mine, your grandma's and Cara's. Everyone's." I nodded. I'm getting the point now. "When you feel in danger, just talk to him." I smile at the thought of actually talking to God- oh no my father.

"So how does he see us?" I ask.

"From the sky, of course." He says with a smile. I smile back.

"Even in the dark?" I ask.

"Anytime during the day, mija." I blush at the nickname. Then that's when I asked about the stars.

"Dad, why do the stars shine?" I ask. "Because they're hot. The stars are so hot that they create light. And they only shine at night." I smile at his answer.

"What about the moon?" I ask.

"The moon gets light from the sun. You know how the sun is so bright that you can't even look at it?" I nod. "Well, from the other side of the earth where the sun is now, it gives light to the moon so we can see it." I look out the window where the moon is perfectly sitting. I can't really see the stars, but the moon is there. And it looks so beautiful.

I think that's why I like nighttime more than daytime. Because I can see the stars reflecting back to me. And I always spoke to them like if they were friends.
---

After his funeral two days later, everyone decided to go to my grandma's house. Caleb and I drove all the way to New York, New York but it wasn't long. I was here not that long ago with Kayden for the gallery.

When we got there it was filled with people I haven't spoken to in years. They'd always pester me about my dad and if I'd seen him yet. But it was before he died. It always annoyed me because they know I haven't seen him and also because they haven't seen him.

"Haizly?" I hear someone say from behind me. I turn around and see that one of my dad's cousins was there. I furrow my brows. She's never spoken to me before. "I just wanted to come over and say sorry for your lost." I cringe at the way she put the 't' at the end. "He was a dick but fun sometimes. I don't understand why he would ever leave his own kids." I raise an eyebrow.

"Thanks for saying . . . the loss part, but I really want to be alone." I tell her. Her eyes go wide and she nods. She excuses herself before someone else comes to me.

"Hey, I'm sorry about your dad." I nod and thank them. It's so crowded in here and also hot. I think it'd be better to just leave. I don't know why I chose to come here in the first place. I don't understand why anyone would want to see anyone when their son just died or when their father died. No one seems fazed at all and it just makes me feel a little weird still standing here. Like if they're really not my family.

"Caleb, can we just leave?" I ask him. He nods and quickly leads me to the door. I don't want to say bye to everyone. This family has always been fake from the very beginning.

We quickly leave before anyone could see us. We decided to stop by an ice cream shop to eat our weights. I put a lot of Oreos on mine while Caleb picked a lot of random candy. We payed then went back home.

"Are you okay?" He asks when he enters the room. I sigh and run my hands through the fresh sheets of the bed.

"I don't know how I'm feeling." I answer. I never imagined my dad dead, but I just imagined him far, far away from me. Somewhere where no one knows me and he can pretend like he doesn't have other children. He's done that before, and it hurts like hell knowing that he never wanted us in the first place. Well, me.

"It's okay to be confused. But just know that you're not alone. You never were and never will be." I smile and hug him tightly.