All I Wanted

chapter 43

Haizly
ALL I WANTED

"I think you did good." Caleb tells me when I enter the room. He's laying down on the bed while looking on the computer.

"Yeah." I say while crawling on the bed and lie down next to him. He looks at me with a confused look on his face.

"What's wrong? I thought you'd be happy." I stare up at the ceiling and blow out a breath.

"I am, of course I am." He doesn't look convinced at all. I wouldn't believe myself either if I sounded like this. So unsure and not confident.

"But . . . ? What's the problem?" He asks and sets the computer down by our feet. His arms wrap around me and he kisses my cheek, sending shivers up my spine. Of course I do feel happy that my mom and I are on good terms now, and I'd like to go back to her house and see everyone who I . . . miss? I wouldn't know what to call it since everyone was mean to me as well and not just my mom. Raul can have some overprotective traits over my mom but so do I. And it's like he doesn't like that I used to be so overprotective with my family.

"I'm just thinking about my mom's little daughter." I sigh again, this time a sad one.

"What about her?"

"She's probably perfect, someone my mom loves so much and is glad she was created a different way. Cara and I are so different from my mom. My mom and Cara have some things in common but them and I have nothing in common. Cara was so talkative to people and so was my mom. I was the one who was always left out. If anything I did they'd get angry, and when I got angry, they'd blame me for getting angry out of nowhere. And this happened for a couple years until I finally moved out of my mom's house and never saw them again. Even out in the streets I don't see them.

"I also can't believe how easy I just . . . forgave her. I know that some of that was on me, but, it was mostly her and Adrian. I'd play music in my headphones and when the song was over I'd hope to hear her knocking on my door to check up on me, but she never came. And it makes me so sad to think of all of that because I just keep wondering if she really loved me. If she really loved me then why didn't she look for me and ask me if I'm okay? Or if I needed her help? I always needed her help, but she just never asked." I felt the tears and the anger coming and I don't want to cry nor punch the bricked walls because I know my hand will get pretty damaged.

"Then why didn't you tell her when she was still here? Maybe you guys could've worked something out." I shake my head. I love Caleb so much, but if he keeps saying stuff like this then maybe I;m going to lose it on him. I know he's trying to be supportive and understanding, but just something about the way he says it makes my blood boil. Like he's on her side on this.

"I'm going to the Gym." I say as I get up from the bed.

"But they're closed, It's Christmas." I roll my eyes and go into the closet.

"You have a Gym, Caleb."

"I know I do but I don't want you to go. The streets are bad and the guys are using it. The ones who don't have families." I just couldn't take it anymore. I turned around and punched the bricked wall, a sharp pain bursting throughout my hand and arm and I cursed rather loudly.

"Haizly! What the hell?" Caleb yells at me as he grabs me by my waist and hauls me out of the closet and on the bed. I thought about punching the wall and about my hand getting broken but I still didn't listen. Not even to my damned self.

"I'll go get some ice." Caleb says. The tears started falling and I wiped them away fast. I didn't want to cry but every memory of the past makes me sad. I'm just so glad I finally left the toxic family and found Caleb and his family. His family are the best and I just couldn't be even more grateful about them for taking me in.
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I smiled at Cara when she showed me a funny meme and went back to my phone to read. I was reading a story about demons and all that, it was an interesting book. My second time reading it actually, and it's still great. My mom's boyfriend, or whatever he is, is upstairs in my mom's room. He usually comes after his work or whenever he wants too. When my mom comes home from work the only thing she asks is if he's in the house in her room and if we say yes she immediately  goes to her room and locks themselves in there. It makes my blood boil and the last thing I want to do is yell at Cara for my anger that they cause.

I collect my things and go to my room. I pass by my mom's room and see that the door is open and I stand there, waiting for one of them to notice me. They don't, until my mom looks up seconds later and smiles.

"He's saying I talk weird." And of course, everything has to be about them. Never a "Hi Haizly, would you care to join us for a movie"? or a "Haizly, do you and your brother's want to go out"? it was never something like that. If they were going to do something they would always do it themselves and it was like my mom was one of those mom's who only chooses to go with the boyfriend and never the kids. Like if she's abandoned us and ready to just leave with him. And yes, that scares me half to death because my dad did the same thing. He slowly backed away from us and when he hadn't seen us in days, he stopped calling, stopped passing by our house, and stopped trying to know if we were okay.

I was hurt. I was ten and he hurt me so bad that I never knew what pain was until he left. And it has stayed with me since now. I'm scared of people leaving me. I'm scared that they'll leave me and never come back like him. And I was afraid my mom would do the same thing.

She would go out with his friends and wouldn't come back until the next day's afternoon with his friends and start drinking. Yes, he made really good food but just them inviting his friends over bothered me so much. I don't know what is wrong with me, but definitely something is wrong with me.
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Caleb comes back with ice and a rag with alcohol. He presses it to my knuckles and I don't even hiss, I don't make any movement. It's like I'm numb. For the first time in my life, I'm actually numb. I've felt pain my entire childhood throughout my teen years, but this is the first time I feel numb. Why do people even have feelings? Why can't we just be completely numb to things? Like death, breakups, or the feeling of abandoned?

Because it sucks having to feel. And then the process of healing is the worst, too. You do something and out of nowhere you breakdown and cry at a memory of someone or something. Like one time when my mom dropped me off at home from school, I went straight to my room and cried until I had to go to the kitchen and clean. My mom was always like that, she thought girls had to do things for men. And I got mad at her for that but she still didn't understand.

Why the fuck is it me that feels this horrendous pain?
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I know this chapter is more sad and all that, but there will be more chapters uploaded so don't worry. Not the entire book will be depressing! *clears throat* sort of.

I will be posting everyday from now on, well maybe until the 50th chapter, it's kind of hard keeping up with this schedule so maybe everyday would be good.
Anyway to save you guys some time, I will end it here.
Thanks for reading :)