All I Wanted

chapter 42

Caleb
ALL I WANTED

I was jerked awake by Haizly shaking and calling my name. She has a terrified look on her face, one I don't ever want to see again.

"Haizly?" I say, my voice shaky.

"Caleb? Are you okay? I just came-," I didn't let her finish, instead I grab her and wrap my arms around her tightly.

"Caleb what's wrong? Are you okay? You're shaking." Haiz tells me as she soothes the back of my head. But I don't want to let go of her, not right now.
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When I wake up the bright sun light hits my face, making me squint as the light burns my eyes. I look around the room but don't notice Haizly so I get out of bed in a sprint and walk in the kitchen to see her standing by the stove flipping pancakes.

"Haiz?" I say, my voice sounding out of breath, like if I was running over here from downtown.

She turns around and shows me that incredible smile. "Is something wrong?" She asks but I shake my head with a smile.

"No, no. Nothings wrong."

"Okay well then go brush your teeth then come back to eat. And don't change, today is a stay in day. And don't say you have business because your spending Christmas with me." She bosses me and I chuckle. She walks over to me in a hip hop and pecks my lips before walking back to the steaming pancakes.

I went in the bathroom, did my business, brushed my teeth and fixed my messy bed hair. Then I heard a knock and an oddly familiar voice.

Haizly

I opened the door and who stood there shocked me. I frowned as I see my mom with teary eyes and three of my old notebooks. I left them in her house? I thought I brought them with me, and I also thought I saw them on top of my closet in a shoe box.

"You need to answer some questions." She says as she walks in past me and to the living room. Caleb walks out and gives me a confused look while I just shrug. I close the door and walk over to my mom. Did she read my notebooks? Why would she? Those are private and I never meant for anyone to read them. Except for one, and that's the very top notebook.

"Explain to me why you wrote this. Tell me. why. you wrote. this." She said in between sobs. It doesn't break my heart to see my mom cry anymore, as a matter of fact I like that she read these, so in that way she'll know what I was going through back then.

She grabbed a notebook, the tope one and opened it to a random page and read from there.

"June 24th, 2015.

If you're reading this, then that means it's too late. And by that I mean dead or just gone. Gone from my chaotic depressing family. Do you want to hear why I'm writing this? It's because I feel absolutely horrible. And I've never in my fifteen years of life have ever felt this way.
This horrendous emotional and physical pain. All because people cause me this pain.
I'll start off with my mom. Mom, you were never there for me, even when I needed you. I've been crying myself to sleep for seven months now, I've been cutting my arms since I was in sixth grade, and I started drinking just last night. I got drunk, got out of the house and returned before anyone woke up.
Colorado is beautiful at night, all the dogs bark and everyone is outside partying  and getting drunk. I've joined in on a couple of parties, got drunk, made out with people, got high on drugs I never knew existed.
And I did all that before 6 a.m. in the morning, when your boyfriend woke up for work.
And see that's another thing, you never payed any attention to me once he walked into our lives. You expected me to be nice and welcome him into our home, but I was never easy to like someone. Especially someone who was going to date you. Because I was always so paranoid that you'd leave us, just like my dad did.
But even when I told you about how I felt, you turned things about you. When I told I cried myself to sleep you said I made you feel horrible. Well guess what, if you don't like having pain then maybe stop throwing the weight on me!
I almost killed myself two nights ago. I drank sixteen pills of Advil, hoping to at least ruin something in me to get your attention. But I woke up not feeling any pain inside of me. Asked my step dad to take me to the emergency room that morning because I thought I was going to die. I realized how much of a stupid fucking mistake that was. I haven't seen him in two months and the first thing he asked me was "how are you"? and so I answered that I wasn't fine at all.
He tried everything in his power to keep my healthy, but everytime i returned back home, you'd start with your bullshit. Why did I go with him? What did we do? Then you'd roll your eyes at me whenever I told you we made dinner or that I had a blast with him.
Sometimes you were never home. You were always with your boyfriend out with his friends and getting drunk. You'd always tell me to bring you some pills for your headache the next morning and get mad when I didn't bring enough water or didn't get the right pills.
I fucking get it, mom! I was never your favorite. I'm the reason why my dad is gone. But your also part of the damn fucking reason why I'm like this.
Not just my dad, you! It's like you wanted to see me suffer. But I always knew you wanted me gone, and when I finally do leave your pathetic life, I'll be so happy to finally be free. Even if I'm homeless and a wreck, it's better than being with you.
Because I know you never loved me."

She stops reading then looks up at me. I raise an eyebrow at her, waiting for her to say something. Just listening back to my thoughts back when I was fifteen makes my blood boil.

"So you being how you are now is because of me? I never did anything to you for you to blame me of becoming who you are now."

"You think your so perfect. Like if you never did anything to me, like if somebody can just somehow turn this way! But guess what, mom! It's you who is my problem! It's you who still stayed with my dad. It was you who never payed any attention to me. It was all you." I yell at her. There's no time for crying and really I don't want to cry.

"No me eches toda la culpa, Haizly!" My mom yells, tears in her eyes (Don't put the whole blame on me). I breathe in slowly and calmly, and I know Caleb was listening to what we were saying.

My mom blows out a breath when she wipes at her eyes.

"Why did you write this?" She asks. I raise an eyebrow and cross my arms.

"Why do you think? Do you not understand the beginning?" I asked her as I pointed at the notebook with my hand.

"Yes, of course I know. But why write it? Why didn't you tell me? I could've helped you, Cara, Josh, and I could've helped you. Or what, do you think that we abandoned you because your mind thought so? That's not how family works, Haizly!" She yells.

All I want is for her to just leave me alone. I didn't think she abandoned me, I felt like it. She never came into my room at night to stop me from drinking a whole bottle of Viniq. She also didn't stop me from running away in the night and going to my step dad's house. I never told him the real reason why I left home, he just thought I was wandering around his neighborhood and his house was the closest. I got in trouble with my mom the next day when she had to pick me up.

"I know! But yet you never checked in on me!"

"Because you would push me away! How was I supposed to help if you never let me help you?" I run a hand through my messy hair and leaving my hand at the top of my head.

"Fine. Yes, I did push you away. And I guess I was just mad at you for not trying harder with me, but I know it was my fault, too." She doesn't say anything, she just stares at the floor. After a while of looking down, she looks up and around the apartment.

"I've never been here before." She says and I frown. She hasn't? I never realized her never coming over here. I thought she did once to yell at me. God, why am I always fighting with her?

"Mom, what else are you going to say? Caleb and I have plans." She doesn't say anything, she just stares at me quietly. Her top lip is playing with her lip ring and she looks like she's thinking.

"No, but do not keep writing this stuff and pushing people away. If I had known how you were feeling then maybe I would have tried even harder. And I'm sorry Haizly, really. You're my daughter and I always want you to be safe . . . even if you're living a life of crime." I cringe at the last part. Not in a bad way, though.

"I know, mom." She looks up at me. "And I love you." Her eyes go wide with shock. I feel weird saying that word to her, I feel like I haven't said that to her in years. I mean of course years, but I mean longer than just two years. I feel as shocked as she feels with those three words, but I meant it. I think I always will when it comes to her.

"I love you, too Mija." Her arms wrap around me as do mine. She's shorter than me so it's harder to hug her.

"Please come over one of these days. Raul and I would like to introduce you to your little sister." I completely forgot about her. I don't know her name but I'll just wait until I go over to get to know her.