All I Wanted

chapter 38

Haizly
ALL I WANTED

On Bended Knee- Boyz II Men

Perfect- Simple Plan

Hold Me While You Wait- Lewis Capaldi

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"Remember when you asked about the stars?" He suddenly says. I nod. "I said they were balls of fire. After me explaining to you how they worked, how they got there, and why they shine . . . you wouldn't stop telling people how much you loved the stars." He pauses. "Whenever someone asked you how you know, you'd just say that a star told you. I never said anything about it because I just thought your little imagination really thought that. But years later, I kept thinking about it."

His gaze turns to me and my breath catches. I remember everything. I forgot until the moment he told me. It's like everything just came back, a huge blob of painful memories. There's a small part of me that likes that reminder of when I was little but the other part is angry. So angry.

"Was I your star?" My eyes held tears. I was supposed to be strong. Why would he tell me this when he's almost going to die? I mean literally this whole day we've been torturing each other with words and memories. But this memory is one that tortures my soul the most.

"Adrian, you're the reason why I love the stars so much. I mean, you told me stories about them all the time I asked you to tell me one." I sniffle and wipe at my eyes. "You were my hero at times." He takes in a breath before letting the tears fall. I've seen him cry before but that was years ago when I was still so little.

"I am so sorry, baby." He doesn't look at me while he speaks. "But always know, that the times you and I shared weren't fake. I hated that I loved you so much because I knew you weren't mine. But I'm not so sure about that now." He grabs my hand. His were so cold and pale, they don't look like his usual hands. "But I love you. I-I . . . love you." I look at the beeping monitor and see that it's under 40. It's beeping normally, but he doesn't look fine at all. It's like he's already gone.

Then that's when it happened. The beeping. It seemed so endless, like if the ringing doesn't want to stop. It wants to make it clear that he really is gone from my life. I'll never get to see him again. His hand is heavy in mine, his eyes are thankfully closed. I run my hand over his face.

The doctor then came in to shut off the beeping.

"Where are his piercings?" I ask her.

"We put them in a bag with his belongings. If you want, I can bring them?" I nodded.

I stand up from the chair and take out my phone. Seven missed calls from Caleb. I checked the time and I realized that I've been here for six hours. It's now six, about to be seven. I thought Caleb would be gone the whole night? That's what he told me.

I turn to look at him one more time before exiting the room. I stand outside the room and put my hands over my face. He's really gone? After all these years of misery from him, he's actually gone. It all feels so unreal, like if he isn't dead. A part of me feels relieved that he isn't fucking with me anymore, but the other is a huge ache where he wasted all these years to tell me that.

I always thought 'if he hates me with everything he has, then why does he act like he loves me'?

I guess now I know why.
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My grandma is still in shock. She hasn't spoken to anyone ever since dad died, and that was twenty minutes ago. After the doctor gave me his bag with his belongings, I put his piercings back in where they go. He had one earring on each ears, one above his chin by his lip, and one on his eyebrow. His skin looks so pale that I can see the tattoo's. He made his own tattoo's and put mine and Cara's name on his arm. I was always so sure he had crossed it out and out one of his new kids' name over them, but I can see it clearly.
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I run out of my dad's room and to the living room where my aunt and my little cousin are. He's a year old and is adorable and chubby. Some times I just want to squish his cheeks because of how adorable he is.

My dad is chasing after me with Cara and Josh behind him and my aunt quickly grabs my arm and drags me to the kitchen. There was an island in between the living room and kitchen and the dining table was more to the right. Their apartment was very beautiful.

"We have two teams. Me Josh, Giovanna, and Chris. You-," he points at Cara, "-Haizly and Jackie will be a team."

My little cousin got some balls as a gift. It was a really big bag with different colored balls. My dad set the bag on the floor in the middle and we grabbed as much balls as we could get. I had small arms so I only got at least ten balls, but Cara and my aunt held a lot more than me.

We ran to the kitchen and started throwing the balls over the island to their team while Boyz II Men played on his favorite blue speakers. Everyone was laughing and yelling. It felt so nice to have fun. My dad was always a little too clean and wouldn't let us play at times. I got the neat and germ-free from him.

We played with the balls up until 1:00 a.m. and ate then went to bed. The next morning my dad made us clean before he went to work and my aunt made breakfast. Her cooking was so good, even though it was something simple like; papas con chorizo or eggs with bologna.
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The memories are too painful to look back to, and all I want to do is go home and cry. I want to scream and punch something.

It took him this long to tell me this! He really loved me and this entire time all I felt was anger because he didn't love me. And that he left me because he thought I wasn't worth enough for him. I want to scream and curse because of all the anger and frustration, and all I wanted was to be loved by him. He's the reason why I'm like this. He's the reason I have trust issues. He's the reason why I can't love too easy.
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Happy (late) Halloween ! Sorry I didn't post, I threw a party and was planning for it the entire week. It was so stressful, never again xD.

How was your Halloween?

Anyways, hope you liked the chapter.

Vote please!!!!
-n