I Promise, I'll Leave! But, With No Regrets!!

Chapter 25

♦Chapter 25: Despair♦

A toy was carefully held within Lucian's hands.

And ever since the moment that I laid my eyes on that toy, I was certain...

That it was the stuffed animal that I got from my mother.

"".......""

I couldn't bring myself to not throw away my level-headedness because of the shock.

I have specifically hidden it in a place where no one could find, specially Lucian. But look, he found it!

And him, out of all people!

I suddenly felt goosebumps out of nervousness, and started to get scared of this.

I've long-feared this situation to happen. And yet, I've let my guard down, thinking that everything will be fine now.

But, it wasn't going to be okay at all! And I should've known of this from the very start!!

Just looking at Lucian, holding that stuffed toy, makes me have flashbacks of what happened before.

The sound of a cloth being torn apart. Right now, that sound was the only thing that kept ringing in my ears as if it was intentionally playing with my fears.

I'm scared.

Scared... of losing something important again.......

".........ack to me..."

"Melissa...?"

"GIVE IT BACK TO ME!!"

"I-Is it this teddy bear? I'll surely give this back to you!", he said it a flustered manner while giving me the stuffed animal.

I quickly took it away from Lucian's grasp and glared at him as if we haven't been close to each other all this time.

Looking at me, he had a panicky expression. He seemed like he felt uncomfortable of my sudden change of attitude toward him.

"Hey... why are you looking at me like that?", he uttered as he approached me with a step.

"Melissa, you're scaring-"

"Get out of my room.", I cut in his sentence.

Lucian has widened his eyes before me.

"M-Melissa, please tell me. Did I do something wrong?"

"GET OUT!"

After that, Lucian couldn't give me a response. But instead, he somehow looked down for some reason.

Nevertheless, I didn't give a damn about it and kept glaring at him. Until he thoroughly turned his lonesome back to me while he made his exit.

After the door shut itself, I quickly fell on the floor with a tight grip on the stuffed animal in my embrace.

I slowly controlled my heavy breathing and calmed myself from what just happened.

"It's okay now, Claire..... It's okay...", I whispered, digging half of my face to the toy.

From then, I suddenly realized one fact.

A fact that I truly wished to deny no matter what.

In the end, I might've been just the same as Wendell.

'Longing...'

Just like how the Duke longs for his late daughter, I, as well, long for the one and only thing that I desire.

"I wish......... I never yearned for something like that from the start..."

I murmured and said,

"Mother....... was enough."

Ahh......... What should I do...?

The tears... won't stop falling.......

.....This was why I didn't want to go through this again.

I should've just died all along, and never went back in time like this.

What will it make of even if I change my methods this time? In the end, I'll still suffer in the same way.

Curse you......... time...

Yes. If time went back when I was still with my mom, it would've been better.

No......... Even if I think of that, it'll be just the same as expecting for nothing...

It was me who made a mistake.

If only I didn't envy those children that had a father by their side. If only I didn't pray that I would also like to have a father...

It's because I didn't choose mom.....

That's why.............

She has died.

Who am I to long for her if I was the one who killed her?

Probably, that was why it all went wrong.........

Because I didn't know my place...

Because I have been too greedy.......

Out of the sudden, my mother's figure popped out in my thoughts.

Then, she uttered to me.

'It's all your fault.'

"IT'S NOT!!!!!!!"

I threw away the toy in my hands with brute force.

Thereafter, I grabbed the nearby flower vase and smashed it into pieces, down the floor.

I grabbed one of the shards of the broken vase with bare hands then continuously stabbed and destroyed it by myself.

And venting out what I wanted to say, I shouted.

"Why do I need to be the one to take the blame?!"

"I just wished for a common thing that everyone would also desire!!!"

"But why doesn't it always go right?!!!!"

"Is it that bad for me to experience what others have??!!!!!"

I paused what I've been doing for a moment.

".....When..."

"Just when......... will this suffering ever end...?"

I must've wanted to question that all along...

It was painful.

Acting so brave and strong..... Laughing like everyone else even if nothing was amusing at all.........

I hate it.

I loathe it so much...

When......... Just when.......................

Just when will anyone allow me to have a beaming and flawless laughter like how they do...?

"....."

My gift from mom..... In the end-

I came to be the one who wrecked it.