Dreamland Review Archive

In Five Years, With Five Songs (T)

In Five Years, With Five Songs

zaddystark

*this review & book deals with suicide*

Initial Impression: (cover, title & blurb)

I like the idea of your cover. But I don't like your cover. There's a lot going on and it doesn't look professional. However, the cover you currently have gave me a sort of idea. What if you were to make your cover like an album cover? The name of the song would be the title of the book, and the artist name would be your name. I just think that would be super cool and would greatly reflect the storyline. It's just an idea. I would recommend you get a new cover either way, since this one didn't jump out at me. I have a few designers in my reading list that I've worked with and trust to give quality content, and they would probably love to experiment with that album cover idea.

Your title is perfect! It's super unique and reflects the storyline perfectly. Well done here!

I have some issues with your blub, but I like the overall drama of it. With that being said, you have a lot of comma mistakes and grammar mistakes. I won't point them out here. In addition, your blurb is too long and too disconnected, and there's too much info given. For example, when you name the five people the songs are dedicated to. We don't need those names at this point and they just confuse readers. Below, I've kept the overall feel of your blub, but I've fixed grammatical mistakes and took out info I thought was necessary in order to shorten the blurb. I also changed the beginning to increase the number of readers that will click based on your first sentence.

It's a heart-wrenching suicide note, really. The only problem? It's fake.

Recently deceases pop star sensation Leah Mendez didn't really dedicate her songs to those who feel lost and broken, as the fake suicide note claims. The real note dedicates those same songs to five people: her secret crush, her favourite ex, her one night stand, her first love and her fake boyfriend.

The real note states that she was a lesbian.

The real note states that she was not as perfect as she seemed.

The real note allows for five videos to be released five years after her death. Videos that will change the way the world viewed Leah Mendez.

It's been five years. There are five songs.

So this blurb is shorter and more concise, with less information. It also ends with a nice little bow tying the blurb to the title, which is always nice. You can use this blurb exactly or restructure it however you want, but I'd recommend shortening and clearing up what you have.

9/15

Logistics: (grammar, spelling & dialogue)

Your story struggles with some grammar issues. They disrupt the flow of your story significantly, so below I've pointed some out and explained how to fix them. First off:

REPETITION

So these are hard to explain, but they are your most persistent problem. First is the very first line of Track one – Maniac:

'The angle that the camera was at was simple.'

So technically, there is nothing grammatically wrong with this. But you use the word 'was' twice in three words, which clunks up the writing. I found these kind of things in your writing often. I would recommend reading your chapters aloud. You're more likely to find things like this. I would rewrite that sentence as this: