Dreamland Review Archive

What We Left Behind (Yin)

Chapter reviewed: Prologue-3
Username: stxrkissed
Title: What We Left Behind

BLURB:
I think your first and second paragraph tell the same thing in a different way. I think the part ‘Erisua is a new world...’ is unnecessary. Coz nothing actually tells us what Erisua is like, and then you repeat the same thing in the second paragraph.

TITLE:
Maybe it’s good? Considering this story starts in a rueful way?

COVER:
Not a fan of it. Nothing tells me this is a sci-fi book. And I’ve seen too many similar cover before.

CHAPTERS:
“He stood alone on the barren land, with the dazzling blue eyes and shaggy brown hair. The boy who stared at her, his tears swept away by the pummeling raindrops that fell to the earth to quench the dry soil. The rain fell like it meant to wash him away, hammering relentlessly, as if it didn't mean to stop until he became smudged like one of Monet's masterpieces.” This paragraph is nice. Though I feel like it will be stronger if you use ‘paintings' than ‘masterpieces'. I feel like the imagery will be stronger, as not everyone knows who Monet is.

“It was only when his shoulders heaved with emotion, his luminous eyes brimming with tears did she finally yank her gaze away. Her head was lowered as she turned away abruptly. She paused, her shoulders trembling, a hand pressed against her mouth to stifle her sobs before she threw the cloak over her head and walked away. Her footsteps pierced the heavy silence in the metal spaceship, sounding overly loud in her ears, like the booming heartbeat of a condemned prisoner.” It’s fine to use passive voice every now and then, but here, I don’t think ‘Her head was lowered as turned away abruptly’ sounds nice. Just say: She lowered her head as she turned away.

“There was a peculiar taste that lingered on her lips--a taste of salt and a kaleidoscope of memories that made her pause, alone in the spaceship as she closed her eyes.” The last clause feels...hanging and unnecessary.

“Absentmindedly, Fei Hong's eyes slid yet again to the new technology that seemed to occupy every niche of her new world. Though the cafe was empty, the constant hum of machinery filled the air, filling her mind and making it almost impossible to think.” This paragraph is so vague. What does it mean ‘new technology ‘? Don’t tell me it’s the coffee machine?

“Her heart clenched. She'd been unconscious for more than twenty years, yet she doesn't look a day past seventeen, the age she was when she left Earth's surface.” Is it some kind of hibernation? Why she doesn’t age? What makes her doesn’t age?

“Her eyes lingered on the pouring rain outside the cafe's windows. There was an intense anxiety to the rain, almost as if between the tumbling cloud and the earth it was fearful of never reaching its destination. She smiled ruefully, her eyes tracing the cascading raindrops that trickle, washing the dust from the windows.” She’s on the other planet, right?

“His eyes, empty and sullen. Their blue vividness long gone, leaving only a haunted, faded blue that was a whisper of the glorious colour.” I have a hard time understanding this sentence. You have many instances like this. Purple prose that makes me think a few times to get the meaning.

“Thin white lines, prominent against his dark skin. Tracing their way around his arms. Move to his neck. On his back. Like a Spiderweb. His hands raised, palms facing out as he took trembling steps back. Stop. Stay away, his eyes seemed to scream. Him under the rain, his tears mingling...” This is a great spot to focus on the reason for her leaving Earth. I don’t think it’s something you need to be vague with. The reason why she left Earth is because of the virus, right? It’s right there in the prologue. It’s going to be more efficient if you just establish the reason for her departure.

“"I'll cover the rest of your shift for tonight," Marice said, as she gently nudged Fei Hong towards the cafe doors. “Tell your grandmother I said hello.“Fei Hong allowed a small grin of relief and gratitude. "Thanks, Marice,“ she whispered, ducking her head as she slipped out of the cafe and outside; the rain pounded onto her back, seemingly always a remnant of her goodbye.”" I don’t get the last clause. Does it mean it always rain when she says goodbye?

“She was greeted first by the smell of wontons wafting through the small kitchen of their apartment long before she spotted the frail form of her grandmother, bent over the kitchen stove.” So they have wonton in the other planet?

“"Fei Hong? Where is the boy? That one with the beautiful blue eyes. I liked him, he had kind eyes. You should invite him to dinner sometime."” Unless blue eyes is an extremely weird thing, why would her grandma mentioned about it?

“She picked up the cell phone. It was a tattered old thing, it's screen scratched and cracked from countless nicks and falls. But it was hers, and it reminded her of home. Of Earth. Fei Hong flipped it in her hands, watching the moonlight glint off the screen before finally pressing accept.” Is this cell phone from Earth? Hasn’t it been 20 years? The phone is still usable? And it’s actually usable in the other planet?

“Marice's orotund voice was vibrant and full of life, and Fei Hong could picture her Violet-haired friend's enormous grin as she listened. She allowed for a small smile to tug at her own lips before replying.” I feel like you use a lot of ‘tug at someone's lips' to describe smile.

CHARACTER:
Fei Hong is a guy's name right? I’m very familiar with Chinese. I live with them. I’m not sure why you name her Fei Hong. Hong is a masculine name. Perhaps there are one or two women with the name, but its unusual.

Anyway, she’s very emotional. It’s kinda good. The narration feels rueful at times. It might be a little too much, but that’s not because of her character. I think it’s because of your focus. You focus on her feelings too much, it becomes excessive at times. She can still be developed though. But for this draft, I think she’s well written.

OVERALL:
Anyway, I actually don’t have much to say about your story. Nothing much happen so far. Your chapters are extremely short in relative to the prologue/1st chapter.

I see that you contract ‘had’. Don't contract what doesn't need to be contracted. Contracting 'had' (unless in dialogue) is a bad habit imo. Coz readers would need to stop and think whether it's 'would' or 'had'.

I don’t write or read sci-fi. I watch them. And I honestly believe that your worldbuilding is terminally lacking. Nothing, I mean it, nothing in your story indicates that she’s on another planet. Everything in your story is earthlings. Grandfather's clock, coffee machine, the wonton, the cell phone (I guess it’s from earth?), your description of rain falling on ‘earth’, the man in the suit, the hair color. It feels as if she moved from China to the USA. Perhaps this is the first draft, so you don’t really delve too deep into the worldbuilding?

I have so many questions for such short chapters. What is her grandmother doing there? Are they humans? Is her friend human? Are they all from Earth? The Earth is falling apart so everyone moves to Erisua? Erisua is 20 years away. If the Earth is falling apart, how do she managed to get the expenses to move 20 years away? Who pays for the fuel? Them? The government? Where’s the government in this story?

Erisua is so far away. I imagine it would be a world like...I don’t know, Star Wars? But the only thing that differs them from her is their hair color. The vibrant colors exist on Earth too. You don’t need to go to Erisua to see a person with a yellow or green hair.

Her grandma looks like she has dementia. She can’t even remember her name. But how come she remembers the boy with the ‘kind eyes'? I don’t know how dementia works. Maybe it’s possible. But how does the grandma know him? The grandma met him on Earth before? Isn’t she 20 years away?

I would enjoy it more if she moves to the USA from China rather than from Earth to Erisua. It takes a lot of effort to try to make sense of what’s happening in your book. Everything is too vague.

Your descriptions are good. I read the comments. People love them. But when reviewing, I’m trying to see things readers don’t see and don’t care enough to point out. If I read for fun, I would enjoy your writing. It has a nice feeling to it. But being critical, I have to tell you that you should consider being more streamlined with your descriptions.

You use far too many adjectives in your writing. You use too many similes/metaphors. Most adverbs and adjectives are unnecessary. And in your writing, everything is described. Though they’re mostly beautiful, it doesn’t help my imaginary. But maybe it’s just me. One opinion doesn’t equal to many.

Your writing is not bad. It’s actually good. You have a developed style. You know what you want to write and you own it. Grammar wise, you don’t have much issue. Your biggest issue is, your story is too vague and the worldbuilding is almost nil. You don’t narrate the new world to us. You don’t describe it. We don’t have any idea what this new world looks like. You focus too much on the internal conflict and her memories/thoughts.

You’re writing in 3rd POV. You have a huge chance to expound the surrounding. Tell us what makes Erisua a better place to live in. Tell us what happened on Earth. We need to know that. That’s the reason why she goes to Erisua. That is not something you should keep from us or make it some kind of a plot twist later. You have to establish the world.

And another tiny thing, I don’t think you need to make her look younger. I actually don’t understand what’s the significance of making her looks younger even after 20 years. Is that a part of the new world? You focus too much on making your description purple that you forget to focus on the worldbuilding itself. I know that coz I did that once. I tried so hard to impress readers with my prose (which failed miserably) that I forgot to fill all the holes. Maybe that’s your case too, and maybe it’s not.

Though the story is vague, I still am curious about what happened to the guy. He’s her lover, right? The prologue is actually a nice start. It sets the mood right away. It’s actually so sad to leave someone dying like that. It takes a great deal of sacrifice.

Keep writing. Focus on building the world. You have a nice plot going on. Good luck!