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Cover: 80/100 Your cover is great in the fact that it evokes curiosity. The only thing I have to say about it is that the images--the girl and the silhouettes--definitely get lost in the background. I would recommend increasing the opacity and making the girl in the middle really stand out. I love the font of your title, and the all-caps really points out the mystery and drama that's created by your blurb. The outline font doesn't really work for your name on the cover, though. It makes it hard to see, so solid letters are definitely better for that aspect, and make your name a little bigger so people can actually see it. The same goes for the little quote at the top. Thanks to the font, you can barely read what it says.
Blurb: 80/100 Your Blurb is good as well, and I love the dramatic third person reference to Jihad. Really, the only thing I think you should change is the use of commas and some word choice to create better flow.
I've edited it for you to give you a better idea:
Every girl has her secret.
And behind her nervy eyes lie Jihad's. They're dark and shameful secrets, followed by an even darker past. Which, if leaked, will give life to her greatest fears, demolishing the few friendships she's built.
But Jihad is lucky.
All she must do to hide her past is deny her present—at least, that's what she thinks. Until her burning desire for approval lands her face flat at the feet of the devil himself.
She must choose to either dine with him, becoming his right hand woman––
Or…
Call his bluff.
Either choice comes with a condemning price tag.
First Impressions: 75/100
Definitely a dramatic story, and your word choice definitely helps convey this tone. One issue that I immediately noticed though, is incorrect comma usage. And this really negatively impacts the flow of your story. I have actually skimmed over the previous review of your story by a fellow Dreamlander, and I won't go into as much detail, but I will still explain your issues and how to fix them.
Commas and Punctuation: Commas are used to separate separate phrases, known as clauses, that either describe/rename something, list items, or introduce a new subject and predicate. You have a lot of short choppy sentences in your story that don't follow grammar rules, which, at times, benefit your story, and other times it only disrupts the flow. Use the following examples that I've fixed to gauge both your comma usage/how to fix it, and a way to fix your flow.
In the very first paragraph you have an incomplete sentence that already throws off the flow. Remember to be more selective when choosing to use choppy sentences.
"Her smile makes my skin crawl. It's plastered across her face as it pokes into my room. It coats her cracked, demanding voice when she asks, "Jihad, may I come in?"
I will also take this opportunity to adress wording and a little bit about dialogue. You tried to use an almost distant-like tone by addressing her mother as simply, 'the face she pokes into my room." Again, I like the idea, I just believe you should be a little more selective with this type of wording. It sounds much better using the pronoun her instead. And you originally said that her mother demands a question. It isn't technically wrong to use that as a speech word in this context, but it sounds so much better to simply say that she asked in a demanding tone.
Another example:
Original: "...churn with disgust, and a fear as rational as it is sick and visceral."
Fixed: "...makes my stomach churn with disgust and a fear as rational as…"
In the original piece of sentence, your comma use says that her stomach is churning with disgust, and then there's a tangent part describing her fear. You have to remove that comma so readers know her stomach is churning with both fear and disgust.
Another example:
Original: "...pours in with her, illuminates the room, and the people I've sketched across my lecture notes, briefly.
Fixed: "...pours in with her, illuminating the room and the people I've briefly sketched across my lecture notes."
Again, in the original, your comma sets off an incomplete phrase leaving it hanging by itself. I'll repeat this advice as well: read the sentences you've written aloud, with the punctuation and pausing you have, and then read the sentence how you would normally speak it to someone else, with no regard to the punctuation you wrote. If there's a natural pause when you say it, there's probably a comma, but if not, there probably isn't. Apply this to all of your writing because it seems that this is quite a big issue, and fix it. It'll definitely make for a better story.
Dialogue: Your dialogue is pretty good already, but one thing I'd like to point out is that you often times end a string of dialogue by describing the tone of her voice. This is perfectly fine on occasion, but try to switch it up some. Another tip is to keep your dialogue short and simple. And try not to interrupt it with such sudden actions. Also, remember the space after an elipses… like this. Not...this. But when you use em-dashes—there is no space.
Further Analysis: 80/100
Really, your writing ability is quite amazing! I absolutely love your way of writing and your vivid description of both Jihad and the scenes she's in. I only reviewed your first chapter for this review, and the only negative comments I can make is that, though your story is as vivid as it is, I'm really missing the character development and description of the other characters that should be present in the beginning of every story. Your first chapter is often times the most important part of your book, so don't withhold on the length or exciting hook aspects of this chapter.
Final Notes: 90/100
Like I said before, you seem like a truly experienced and knowledgeable author, and there's not much I can say that you don't already know to improve your work. Just be sure to take into consideration the grammar tips provided, and improve the flow of your story.
I enjoyed reading this almost perfect story, and I thank you for choosing me as your reviewer!!! And I'm sorry I couldn't provide a more detailed review, but LMK if you have any questions!
