Dreamland Review Archive

The Destined Luna (T)

The Destined Luna

ToothFairy1999

Initial Impression: (cover, title & blurb)

Your cover looks clean and professionally done. I like the colour scheme, the merging of the pictures and the beautiful font. It's exactly the type of cover that does well on Wattpad!

Your title is equally eye-catching. It's not too long, but it's unique and representative of the story.

Your blurb has a few issues, but I like the overall bones. I appreciate how short it is and that it's nice and spread out. For one, the organization is a little off, and you have some grammar slip ups and comma misuses. However, the sentences are well-structured and good to work with. Below I've edited your blurb. I'll talk about what I did to it after.

We are merely the mutes of wolf society.

Living in a time where rogues are slaughtered by pack wolves, Anastasia has accepted her fate as a rogue living scarcely in Moon Bar. But with the uproar of a new rogue group causing chaos amongst packs, war is near.

Alpha Vincenzo is well-known for his gift by the goddess: "With the power invested in me, I thrive, I dictate, I create and I destroy."

A ruthless power-driven Alpha and an abandoned rogue. What will happen when Destiny pairs these two together?

There's only one way to find out.

So starting from the beginning, I took the quotes off the first sentence. For some reason, I just find it clearer that way, but I really don't have an intellectual reason to explain why. I just think it's unnecessary. Next, I've re-ordered your information so that it follows a clearer path: Anastasia, Alpha, then both of them. I also took out the extra questions at the end because I don't like questions in blurbs. They seem a little cliché and it's less aggressive and dramatic than telling. It looks like I did a lot to your blurb, but the important part is that I didn't have to actually re-write any sentences. That means you've avoided awkward sentence structure in your blurb. Awesome! As always, you're perfectly allowed to copy and paste the blurb if you want. You don't have to–I'm just letting you know you can. Or you could reorder it yourself. Or leave it the way it is.

13/15

Logistics: (grammar, spelling & dialogue)

Grammar was very good. You have a wonderful lack of awkward sentences. You either have a natural talent for concise writing, or you've really worked hard to make this story beautiful. I have two things to mention. One, you occasionally slip up in your commas. Examples from your writing of comma misuse:

'Sighing, I looked back up at the worn-down ceiling, it was yet again time for another shirt.'

Above is incorrect. Correction would be replacing that comma with a period, since both sentences are completely independent. Another comma mistake:

'The attic consisted of a small room, the walls bending in as though it were trying to close in, on the already small space.' (Note: I've changed the 'was' to 'were', since this is an imaginative clause. Were is for things that are being imagined or are plural. Was is simply the past tense.)

Above is incorrect (the last comma). There should be no comma there because the two clauses are dependant on each other. I'm not going to go into depth on the rules of commas, but you can look at my last review or PM me for all the comma rules. In truth, you strike me as the type of writer that has been writing so much or for so long that you've started to use commas correctly without knowing why. That works most of the time, but understand the independent-dependant clauses will help you clear up the mistakes you made above.