Dreamland Review Archive

The Darkness Within Me (Yin)

Title: The Darkness Within Me. Username: frenzy_lemon
Chapters reviewed: Prologue, Chapter 1

Blurb:
I'm not a fan of it. That is not a summary. That is some kind of... I don’t know. Poetry? But it's not working. Not for me.

Title:
The darkness within me.
I don’t think it’s catchy to have a ‘statement' as a title.

Cover:
Too dark. You don't need to add your username that way, with a '@'. Try and make one pen name.
And there is a lot of good cover maker on Wattpad. You can look for one to help you =)

Prologue:

Let me tell you straight. Your opening paragraph doesn't work. I suggest you delete it from the chapter. What's with the hair-hating comment and the giggling, and then suddenly feeling annoyed? She sounds immature and crazy.

The narration in the parentheses: What? Nature is most beautiful thing to exist. 1. It's grammatically wrong. 2. It is unnecessary. I'm not against the parentheses style, I use it too at times. But nothing in your paragraph needs any sort of justification. You're describing the forest.

'All you could see...' No, we don't see anything. It's your character who sees it. Don't break the fourth wall that way.  You can break it, but you have to know how to do that. One of my favorite books that always break the fourth wall aptly is The Shining by Stephen King. Try and look for the book.

'So beautiful, just like my eyes.' Ermm. I don't think she should say that. Maybe she's a narcissist? Actually, you don't need to describe your MC's eye color, especially when it's her own POV. It would sound awkward. If you still want to describe it, try a comparison. '...greener than my eyes." Or something like that. Or maybe through another person's dialogue. But you really don't have to tell. Nobody cares about the MC's eye color.

'Down there was a dark abyss with no light at its other end'. I'm not sure what this means, but I guess you're repeating what she describes in the previous paragraph. So this is somehow a repetition. You don't need it. And I actually don't get the imagery. Is this some sort of a sci-fi theme? Or you just want to say that the other end is dark because it's nighttime?

'There may be light at the end.' I don't get this whole paragraph. It seems like a nice insight, about the souls and heaven, but the writing is confusing. I really don't understand it. Could you explain it to me? And the 'bla, bla, bla' in the end, sounds immature. IF your character is immature, maybe it's fine. But let me tell you now, that it's not. What I realize in this chapter is, you have too many thoughts back to back. Almost in every paragraph. And they're all contradictory to the narration.

'But I guess I won't see any of it.' Now, this paragraph is nice. I love her feelings here. But the 'oppose' is odd. What's that? Is it a typo?

Starting from this point, I actually loved what happened. One time it is all peaceful, but right after he (Liam is a guy, right?) turned, everything is in chaos. I loved how the place is burning, how he is the one who burns it. I love his internal conflict at the time.

You got me impressed for a moment there. That's a huge thing. I don't get impressed easily 😂 BUT, yeah, of course, there's a but, BUT your writing screwed it up. Sorry.

You have to edit the writing. Well, I know you're not a native, and learning how to write properly in English is a long and tedious process. Find an editor if you can.

Do you join any book clubs? Get help. You need them. You seem like a good storyteller. You have the potential. I like the insights you add into the narration. They sound nice.

And I agree with the random reviewer. You don't need the last line. It screwed everything up. End it with the paragraph before it.

CHAPTER 1:

I’m so sorry, but I truly thought Liam was a girl in the Prologue. I don't think boys talk like that. You see, POV is usually gender-neutral. But there should be some sort of...indication to the gender. Some things, thought processes, gestures, etc. are more inclined to one gender than the other.

So the prologue gives me a female MC vibe. The way they talk about their hair, how beautiful their eyes, and all the general feminine train of thought. Some people hate my kind of comment about gender voice 🙄 but that’s what I believe in and that’s what I'm telling you.

The line describing the white room, that’s not how you do it. You don’t describe things like that. It sounds so awkward. If the MC feels like it’s a hospital room, just say it's the hospital room. Then only you describe the place.

The style of the...what was it again...the conversation with the inner wolf. The formatting is not nice. 1. I don’t think you need to tag it with (L) or (W), 2. You don’t need to underline it. 3. Because it is some kind of conversation, put it in quotes like how you write dialogues. When Liam is talking.

The description of the man who just entered the room is too much. Too many adjectives. You should revise it.

Again, you have the blah, blah, blah. You can keep it, but it’s bad writing.

Honestly, I think this story is not so bad. You somehow seem like you’re good with characterization and humor. I smiled, a couple of times. Liam sounds witty, and his personality is written fairly well. I like the way you started the story. We're left to think what happened that leads him to the point where he meets the other guy.

What needs a lot of work is your style. And grammar. I don’t even know what tense you’re actually using if I’m to be blunt. I’m guessing past tense?

Miscellaneous:

I wholeheartedly believe you don’t need your A/N chapter. Believe me. You don’t need it. Get rid of it if you may. You don’t need to tell people you’re not a writer... writer. Or that you don’t like how other werewolf books find their mates at a certain age and so on. There’s nothing informative in your A/N. Believe me and get rid of it. Or don’t. It’s up to you though.

Now, I apologize if I sound extra blunt or rude in this review. It’s 3 AM now, and my sleepy head tells me that I’m being polite enough. But usually, when I reread my review in the morning, I don’t sound as nice as I thought I was.

So good luck with the story. Nice plot so far. Remember that you have a nice plot going on. Your start is great. It's different from other werewolf books I've read (I believe I've read all werewolf books on here 😂, bxb though).