Dreamland Review Archive

A Murder in Disguise (T)

A Murder in Disguise

El_Pa_Ca1601

Initial Impression: (cover, title & blurb)

Your cover is perfect! It represents the story, is captivating and pleasing to the eye. The caption really works with the book. It looks confidently made and professional. It's the perfect cover!

Now, the title I don't think is quite as unique, but it definitely shows us the genre of the book and is still intriguing. It doesn't catch my interest right away, however, and I think there's potential for it to be better. I have a hard time suggesting titles since I don't know all that much about the book, so I have leave that up to the writers.

Moving on to the blurb! I have a few problems with it. For one, I would rather see a blurb that's short and concise, so yours is a little long for most readers. I like the beginning, but it's cut off from the rest, which is only formatting, but I'd still suggest changing it. You also include the names in your blurb. If there's only one character name, that's fine. But giving us three names is a little much. I don't think you need them, but that's a preference thing. Next, your blurb is a little redundant. I think there are things you can take out. Below, I've re-written your blurb to make it shorter and easier to read:

It's only a game...right?

Emily, Hannah and Grace are ordinary girls studying art and struggling to peruse their dreams. But they're compelled to visit a party and play a murder game–after all, it's supposed to be fun.

The game begins with a series of events leading its players to situations where they are damned if they comply, and damned if they don't.

Sometimes, games go too far.

So I've really changed your blurb here. You'll notice I took out a lot of information. Here's a list of things I did, for reference:

- I took out the questions for the most part. Questions are cliché and I don't like them. I think most readers agree.

- I started with a one-liner and ended with a one-liner for dramatic effect. I believe both of these lines are quick and catchy, likely to draw readers in.

- I took out a lot of information that seemed irrelevant, such as the location and the repetition of the names. It only clunks up the writing.

Blurbs are incredibly important for your book. I'd suggest looking at what I did and seeing if you can do something similar to yours. As always, you can use what I suggested above or recreate it. But I'd suggest a complete rewrite of the blurb either way.

10/15

Logistics: (grammar, spelling & dialogue)

Let's talk about the dash, my favourite friend. The dash will get you out of every precarious writing situation. Have an awkward sentence–dash! Have a run on? Dash! Have a choppy sentence? DASH.

Dashes are incredible, and you don't use them much. Dashes are a major factor in story flow and luckily, since this is creative writing you can use as MANY dashes as you want. Seriously. Dashes are incredible. Below, I've picked out sentences I believe can be enhanced with the dash:

From chapter 2: 'My voice was filled with surprise or confusion. Or maybe both.'

Dash enhancement: 'My voice was filled with surprise or confusion–or perhaps both.'