Dreamland Review Archive

Of Traitors and Thieves (DS)

Of Traitors and Thieves, by KeiraKnox1

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Thank you so much for giving me the opportunity to read the your book. Please, keep in mind that my reading of your story is by necessity a subjective opinion. Your story is beautiful and important to you more than any other story you could have been telling. How I perceived it is very much a matter of my preferences

I have read all 13 chapters of your story available and I was excited about the plot. The reading wasn't completely smooth, but I expected this of the first draft, and I know you have all the tools to iron out the wrinkles.

Your book is tagged as adventure and fantasy, so I looked first and foremost at how much the story stimulated my imagination and how important your main character had become to me; how much I wanted to figure out what's going to happen to them, the setting that told me that 'it could possibly happen this way', and if I would be able to remember your story a few months from now.

I think that you chose a solid title for your story, putting the conflict to the forefront and signalling the genre. 

Your blurb is short, and here I had a bit of trouble with the discrepancies between the blurb and the content of the book.

Your blurb says, a half-elf and an elven assassin are out on a quest to save a human prince. But the book calls the main character a Remian and a Holpal, so what you are telling me is that they are really elves and humans, but you renamed them. I would suggest sticking to elves and humans, simply because why increase the barrier for entry and make me memorize new words? Dwarves, elves and humans are part of the universal fantasy fabric, so it's not like they are going out of style and need rebranding.

The other thing I would suggest adding to your blurb is the central conflict of your main character that you introduce in chapter one. She is there to win the Royal family's trust and avenge the old wrongs. It's a great hook, so I would totally love to see it in the blurb.

After reading the first 13 chapters, I feel that YA is a better fit than NA in terms of audience tag, because of fast track the main character, Sigrid, takes to her position and fast development of her special talents—and I want this to happen. For new adult, I would expect a different focus in the character development department. 

Your story unfolds in Royal-casual setting with lack of pomp and circumstance. 

I had my first plausibility question and had to head back from chapter 5 to chapter 1 to check things. The main character, Sigrid, was going around the palace taking her duties seriously. She brushed elbows with the King, Queen and crown Prince during those chapters... but the first chapter started with her expressing hatred for the royal family and determination to exact vengeance. And she missed a dozen or so opportunities to assassinate the lot.

So, I had to go back and check if she, indeed, was as bound and determined on vengeance in chapter 1, as I thought. She seemed to be, so I am not sure how to interpret that. I would suggest focusing on the specifics of what she wants to achieve a little more from the start.

The other thing I had to search the text through for was Sigrid's name. Since the narrative is in the first person, and you introduce three named maids and a head maid, trainer, king, queen, Prince, three or four guards... and the characters just kept coming, often in sets of three, it seemed. So... I would suggest that other characters addressed Sigrid more often by her name to help it stand out in the name cloud.

Once I stopped worrying about why Sigrid wasn't killing the King, and the first couple of intro chapters were over, the plot unfolded fast, with an early and very, very fun twist.

I absolutely adored the build up of the events, the pacing, and the characters in chapters 5 through 9, until we arrived at the major information juncture in chapter 10 after yet another really cool twist.

And there, in chapter 10, when the rebels aired their grievances against the King, I expected Sigrid to join in with her tale. She didn't, however. Instead, she was granted more special abilities and underwent Bootcamp #2, this time magical, before the plot advanced to the next stage by throwing in a well-foreshadowed (kudos!) intervention from a potential minor antagonist.

The final couple of chapters I read left me with the first demonstration of Sigrid's powers and a kick-off of the romantic plotline.

My feeling is that the chapters 5-9 were the strongest and the best structured, so when you edit, I would suggest making them the core of the act 1, trim the training montage from chapters 2-4 to start as close to her getting her assignment, maybe even with her getting her assignment. 

I would also love it if there was more clarity on how she feels about the revenge thing and what her ultimate goal is with that.

To me, if Sigrid just were the Prince's childhood buddy and her family fell in disgrace, and now she is trying to climb back in the ranks, might make a solid backstory that will help to ease into the more complicated events unfolding from chapter 10 onward.

I think if you play a little bit with potential simplifications/clarifications, you would have a compelling start of an exciting story with wonderful twists and character clashes right away.

Finally, I commend you on giving the women in the setting a better standing than in the run-of-the-mill fantasy, which allows your character to be another woman in the Kingsguard, and also gives her full confidence to both admire a pretty dress and be completely comfortable at court. That's a huge plus in my view!

Again, best of luck with your project and I am looking forward to seeing it develop.