Dreamland Review Archive

Transitioned (DS)

Transitioned by _God_Send_

Thank you so much for giving me the opportunity to read your book. Please, keep in mind that my reading of your story is by necessity a subjective opinion. Your story is beautiful and important to you more than any other story you could have been telling. How I perceived it is very much a matter of my preferences

I read 12 chapters of your story available at this time.

Your book is tagged as fantasy, paranormal and werewolf so I looked first and foremost at how much the story stimulated my imagination and how important your main character had become to me; how much I wanted to figure out what's going to happen to them, the setting that told me that 'it could possibly happen this way', and if I would be able to remember your story a few months from now. In addition, I looked for the urban fantasy/paranormal feel—our own recognizable world, but with a twist.

The title of your story tells me that it's about a metamorphosis of sorts. It's simple. On the other hand, the word is often used in the context of trans community, so it makes me anticipate a genderfluid or trans protagonist, not just werewolf transition.

I think your blurb shows Solarys as someone torn by yearning, but retreating fast once reality doesn't meet her expectations. Her return to the village is impulsive, yet she runs. Then she develops feelings, but then wants to run again 'cause demons and monsters. Almost every sentence in the blurb starts with circumstances and Solarys' actions are scarce. 'Does everything possible' is the biggest descriptor of what she's up to, but it is vague. So, to me, the protagonist from the blurb comes across as a passive victim of her heritage. I feel that giving me a glimpse into Solarys' active side might help the blurb to become more captivating. So, the missing component for me in the blurb is some core desire in Solarys, outside of running away from her circumstances.

With the first three chapters, I can see right away that you are writing a fantasy story rather than urban fantasy. You are integrating old-fashioned words consistently, but it's just a few words, so for me, you succeed in creating the narrative style that is fairly easy to read, but it hints at olden times.

I felt that the intensity of hatred and abuse by absolutely everyone in the first three chapters, picking up on the staples of the outcast subgenre. There is even a suspicion of her being a bastard child, with her dad being the main villain. I found it a bit hard to follow and my question is, was this an actual start of your story, or is it Solarys' backstory you tried to capture quickly in these snippets? Would the story lose out anything if Solarys tells a character who matters to her that she was ran off from her village? So, this would be the main question I would ask for these opening chapters.

After reading chapter 4, I found it much more intriguing because it starts with an interesting situation—vampires feuding with the werewolves—and proceeds to the Unusual Event. A vampiress in the making is found! The snippet of lore that women are rare, made me far more interested in Solarys, aka red-eyed vampiresse, than the first 3 chapters combined. After this chapter, I would actually be interested in her abbreviated backstory.

Vance, a whoring vamp with family obligations, is a fun lead and this chapter showcases the main conflict in the world. I still have a bit of a hard time sticking to the writing style, but I can follow it without trouble.

So, my principal advice so far will be moving the first 3 chapters into your notes for now and see if the story unfolds beautifully from chapter 4 onward. At this stage, I don't see anything that will be lost by doing this and a lot to be gained.

You did a great job putting Jacques into a different situation than Vance, and giving him a crazy overbearing personality.

I also liked the growing problem in chapters 5-8, with Solarys being overtaken by bloodlust in the middle of the hostile werewolf camp and the fun subplot with Sophie.

My only trouble with this section was that I had a bit of a hard time with what Solarys

calls each person. Devil, madman, vampire, werewolf, chief, Vance, Jacque... I understand that her being clueless is part of the narrative, but I wouldn't have minded if she somehow got one of the names and the second guy could remain nameless. If not earlier, at least at the end of chapter 10, introductions for everyone would make sense and the narrative from Solarys will finally have Vance and Jacque in it.

Chapters 11 and 12 helped grow the plot further, adding interesting lore. I think by then Vance was definitely my favorite character and I was getting a feel for how Jacque is as well. I had less from Solarys and I struggled with grasping chapters when they were in her POV. Because of this skating just at the border of understanding once in a while, I didn't go further, though I thought the plot was shaping up nicely.

My overall impression is that after 12 chapters, I would suggest reserving the first 3 chapters for later if necessary, particularly because the remaining chapters have so many new characters. I feel that the plot builds at a great pace from there with lots of interesting twists.

If you decide to edit further, my suggestion would be to make small adjustments for clarity. I would suggest touch ups like names vs nouns early on, maybe simpler wording sometimes and revealing a touch more information earlier throughout, so the story doesn't keep me behind quite so much. I feel that faster and more complete immersion might be beneficial.

Good luck with developing your story and hope these notes are helpful.