Dreamland Review Archive

Genesis (DS)

Genesis by Marshaa1306

Thank you so much for giving me the opportunity to read your book. Please, keep in mind that my reading of your story is by necessity a subjective opinion. Your story is beautiful and important to you more than any other story you could have been telling. How I perceived it is very much a matter of my preferences

I read 11 chapters of your story available at this time.

Your book is tagged as a dystopian sci-fi, so I looked first and foremost at how much the story stimulated my imagination and how important your main character had become to me; how much I wanted to figure out what's going to happen to them, the setting that told me that 'it could possibly happen this way', and if I would be able to remember your story a few months from now. In addition, I looked for the gritty and existential feel of dystopia—but with some place warm to hold on to/sense of hope.

The title of your story tells me that it is the beginning of something, an origin story. It's simple, with spiritual undertones. On the other hand, it is the kind of word that you expect to be used after an attention grabbing title, usually as a part of a popular franchise.

Your story sets up the problem from the get go and only focuses on the interesting stuff. Without any info dumping, I gather the main rule of the verse—don't stay outside the safety of the dome at night. In the daytime, the surrounding desert seems to be friendly, with the young adult protagonists playing there without concern. But the unknown dangers lurks in the dark, emphasized by the threat of punishment.

I really enjoyed in chapters 1-4, that the teens had teenage problems and despite dystopian setting, they were wholesome as apple pie. I want to particularly comment that Kaze's initial problem that preoccupies him for three first chapters, his first crush, is what grows into the far bigger problem in chapter 5. And that bigger problem was already predicted by the beginning. Like, I knew he would end up outside the dome. And there he is, in trouble, and by chapter 5. 

Well done!

Kaze's night in the charred woods takes a turn to fairy tale horror in chapters 6-9. I liked how as a reader I was more aware of the danger than Kaze was, which underlined his sheltered mindset. However, I was losing interest a little because the fairy-take like monsters attacking Kaze took me out of dystopian sci-fi and felt a bit jarring versus the desert bikes and sci-fi dome.

My interest picked up again by the revelation in chapter 9. I think that the character introduced at this point was great and personally connected to Kaze. However, at the same time, for me, the story lost depth in chapters 10-11.

From a personal experience of a teenager in a strange world, it became a high-level retell of staples.

One good moment is when Kaze remembers the day the strange men come and break news of his mother's death, but to me it was lost in the detailed account of his parents' making contact. This is just the sort of personal outlook and feelings that can bring the story to life, and keep it happening through Kaze's eyes, even if he is listening to his mother. Body language and emotional response to the narrative could also help to breathe more life into the scenes in those chapters.

While the details are good, (such as getting a slip of paper with a phone, visiting an office, etc, etc), if they're irrelevant, they are just... there. Even the existence of Kaze's father was sort of lost in Chapter 10, as he's mentioned in passing. His fate or any sort of emotions he might have evoked in either Kaze or his mother are completely left out. But, my expectation is that it should be quite emotion provoking in both, which creates a dissonance for me as a reader.

My suggestion if you decide to revise the story is to go deeper starting with chapter 6, staying as much as possible in Kaze shoes and making me feel like I am in his shoes. Such focus will make the events much more fun to read about.

If Chim doesn't reoccur in the story, I would suggest leaving him and his man-eating rabbits out entirely and focus on the desert setting, the bikes, power struggle in the dome and all things dystopian.

I believe the pacing and problem growing part are excellent, and making the story more visceral, more personal would benefit it tremendously.

Stylistically—and to the same end—I would suggest looking into using more nouns as subjects of sentences, vs the pronouns, to make the delivery a bit less monotone and filtered. It will also help with integrating descriptions in the scenes in a more natural way.

Good luck with developing your story and hope these notes are helpful.