behind blue eyes [bucky barnes]

eighteen

"I'm alone with all my thoughts. So I gotta drink 'em up 'til I'm numb."

Song: Vices by Mothica

. . . . .

"Why don't we go for a walk, huh," Steve asked his soulmate, effectively cutting her off. "Maria and Bucky are needing to go to the farmer's market, and you need your exercise."

Maria didn't hear much of what got said next. She didn't even realize that Steve had handed Bucky his keys, claiming that he would get a cab later in the evening. She didn't know what Peggy said as she agreed to go on her walk. She didn't have any inkling as to if Bucky was confused or played along or what. All she knew was that panic was settling in quickly, and she needed to get out of there as soon as possible.

Breathe in and out, Maria, she thought to herself. You can't let him know something is wrong. In your nose. Out your mouth. Don't get flustered. Play it cool. Stay calm.

That mantra only worked so much. The girl knew her heart rate had skyrocketed to the point that she was losing both color in her face and the ability to stay rational. Every single memory attached to that name flooded her mind almost instantly - the good, the bad, and the torturous. So she bolted, running out of the building and towards the truck. Once she made it to the bright red vehicle, Maria threw her hands up against it and leaned for support. She had to work diligently to fight back tears, knowing full well that Bucky would feel her panic through the bond if she didn't calm down.

In a few minutes the sound of the unlocking noise appeared. The girl got in the truck, Bucky climbing in shortly after. There was a moment of utter silence before the man turned the vehicle on. Maria tried as nonchalantly as she could to turn the A/C on full blast and face it towards her. The whole time she worked on mentally staying calm.

Five things I can see. Okay, okay, okay. Um.. the road, the vent, the other cars... my feet, and the sunset. Four things I can touch... my jeans, the seats, the door handle... my shoes.

And so on and so forth. It was a technique that Dr. Raynor had suggested to her when Maria had finally admitted she had been suffering from panic attacks. Normally that process helped, but today it seemed to have little effect.

"MARIA!"

The girl jumped at the sound of her soulmate practically screaming at her. She turned to look at him, noting that he himself looked terrified.

"Y- Yes?"

"What happened back there?"

"N- Nothing. Peggy just... well when she gets to rambling that means her dementia is about to- to attack in full force," she lied, scrambling to find some sort of fake story she could sell to him. But she kicked herself for how horribly scattered and weak she sounded. Maria just needed to get alone - she needed to get away and the faster she could, the better. "T- Thanks for going along with it."