behind blue eyes [bucky barnes]

onehundredandseven

TW// mentions of suicide

"I found love where it wasn't supposed to be, right in front of me."

Song: I Found by Amber Run

. . . . .

April 4, 2020

It had been four days since Steve, Natasha, and Sam returned from their mission. For those four days, the entire compound was in disarray, everyone trying to figure out the events that occurred between that last time anyone had spoken to Maria - which was Wanda - and when Steve had found her. There were 38 unaccounted for days, and the only person who could answer everyone's questions was lying on a hospital bed trying to survive.

Bucky had been told that Maria was tough, but after hearing about the extent of her injuries, he couldn't believe how tough she really was. He was a super soldier, and he didn't even think he could have survived something like what she went through.

While everyone was dealing with the trauma of finding Maria, Bucky was dealing with his own trauma. His nightmares had been getting worse and worse - the memories becoming more vivid and jumbled. Not only that but he had been transitioning into the Winter Soldier more frequently. That was cause for concern, seeing as there were very few Avengers who could actually stop him. Steve seemed to be the only one who could truly subdue him, knocking him out so that he would snap out of it. To top it all off, Bucky felt a heavy burden of guilt riding on his shoulders. He convinced himself that nobody had truly wanted him in the tower based on his previous escapades - that everyone was just being nice because he seemed vulnerable and pitiful. The guilt, the anxiety, the sadness, the anger? It was eating him up inside, causing him immense pain.

He just couldn't bear it any longer.

So, on the afternoon of the 4th of April, Bucky decided it was time to end his suffering. He decided to keep it simple and easy to take care of after the fact. He was just going to take enough pills to get the job done and fall asleep looking out at the New York sunset. He had written his notes to Steve, Wanda, Sam, Tony, and Natasha. He had a plan, one that he was willing and ready to execute.

But, fate has a funny way of working doesn't it?"

As he was sitting in his room, preparing to complete his final mission, FRIDAY came over the speaker in his room.

"Sergeant Barnes. Your presence is being requested in the Medical Bay by Captain Rogers."

"May I ask why?"

"He did not say."

Bucky sighed and placed the bottle of pills back in his bedside table, along with the five notes he had written. He took the familiar path down the elevator, arriving quickly at the medical floor. As he walked in, Steve met him smiling.