behind blue eyes [bucky barnes]

onehundredandthirtyfive

TW// mentions of suicide

"Now that you're gone, it's my fault. I'm so lost."

Song: Coping by Rosie Darling

. . . . .

Journal Entry #1

This is stupid. This is fucking ridiculous. I should have never listened to Bird Brains when he told me I should do this. Why? Why will writing out how I fell in one of these damn books help me? It wasn't even my decision to listen to him - it was Steve's. Apparently the punk believes that Chocolate-Chino knows what he is talking about. Who cares if he is some ex-therapy guy or something? I don't get the point of using a fucking diary to "process my thoughts."

Apparently writing things down is supposed to help people who have experienced traumatic events. Well, I fucking have plenty of those to go around? I could hand them out on the street and make millions if I wanted to. Oh, so you're interested in being brainwashed? Here - take my memory of it. And you! You look like you would love to have the memory of falling off of a giant cliff, losing an arm, and getting it replaced with a mechanical one. Well, do I have a treat for you!

It's not that I don't want to get better. I'd like to not be a walking train wreck everywhere I go. But nobody can fix that. Nor can a diary. And visiting Dr. Dumbass doesn't help either. I want to be free from this cycle of bullshit... I just don't know what I'm doing anymore.

Why would I even try anything to make myself better, when that is the last thing I deserve? And why would I try to overcome my demons when the families of the people I've hurt will never get that same closer? I'm not worth forgiveness, so why should I even try for it.

Look, I got to go. Wanda is about to barge in to take me shopping, since apparently I need a new wardrobe. I don't really know how I am supposed to end this... so... bye.

- - - - -

"You're out here already?"

Maria said the notebook down on the bench beside her as Steve approached. Normally she would bring her legs up to her chest, but now she was seven months pregnant. So she propped her legs up on the rocking chair she moved in front of her.

"Couldn't sleep," she whispered as Alpine jumped on her legs, nuzzling against the girl's hand that laid where her baby was. Steve sat down beside her - his legs touching hers. Maria noticed exhaustion all over him, like he hadn't been sleeping either. Silence engulfed the two of them for quite some time. The only thing that could be heard was the sound of birds chirping as bright orange and red colors painted the sky.

Maria smiled at the thought of how much her soulmate would love the view before her. It was quiet and peaceful as she looked out at the river. He would have argued that the view in Wakanda was better, though. It didn't matter - she would agree with anything he said if he were there.