behind blue eyes [bucky barnes]

onehundredandfortytwo

"It was my past life, a beautiful time."

Song: The Harold Song by Kesha

. . . . .

Journal Entry #29

When I woke up this morning, I heard crying coming from Steve's room. It took approximately two seconds to bust through the door, walking in on him sitting on the edge of his bead, crying softly. Without saying a word, I walked over to him and wrapped him up in my arms - quietly comforting him as he cried into my shoulder.

I hate seeing him like this. As kids, I think I remember spending most of my time being the one to take care of him. But nowadays, it has been the other way around. He acts tough - like nothing bothers him and that he is well adjusted. But I know my friend, probably better than I know myself. And things weigh on him too, he just tends not to let it show. Steve being Steve, he likes to hold it in until the last second. By then, its a sensory overload for him and all he can do is cry.

After he finally calmed down, we had a much needed conversation. It was basically me telling him all of the same shit he has been telling me for weeks - holding in emotions is not good, you have to talk to someone, and my door is always open. He assured me that this was a one time thing, but I'm not stupid. I just hope that one day he will be able to forgive himself for what happened to me. I know that's what this is about, but the truth of the matter is that I don't blame him. From what I can remember so far, it was my choice to fight alongside him. It was my choice to get on that train. And it was me who fell, not him. There wasn't anything he could have done, but he doesn't see it that way. Which I understand completely - I would feel the same way if the roles were reversed.

What I do know is this: as long as we have one another, everything is going to be okay.

- - - - -

Maria was laying on the couch - her over two year old daughter curled up in her lap and her boyfriend sitting behind her. Her fingers ran through Jamie's hair as she slept, completely unaware of the world around her. Faint music played in the background whilst the child recovered from her playdate with the Proctors.

Since meeting Winnie and her family, there had been very few weeks where they did not get together at least once a day. Learning about her new family meant that Maria wanted to know any and all about them. That wasn't her first impression, nor was it how she felt the first or second time they went over. However, slowly yet surely, Maria began to feel comfortable around them. It seemed as though she was working to fill a hole that could not be filled. While she knew that wasn't the best option for her mental stability, it did make her feel better.

Steve had been acting strange as of late. He was quieter - more withdrawn than he normally was. Maria was beginning to worry about him. She knew that taking care of her and Jamie wasn't easy. She knew that he would have off days. But those days began bleeding into one another. Maria knew as well as anyone that he was beginning to show signs that mimicked the ones she had been expressing over the past few years.