behind blue eyes [bucky barnes]

onehundredandfiftytwo

"You got nothing to regret. I'd give all I have honey if you could stay like that."

Song: Never Grow Up by Taylor Swift

. . . . .

Journal Entry #106

This is all my fault.

All he had to do was say the goddamned words.

And now... now he has her.

I don't know how it happened. And I don't know what happened while I was activated. I can't remember any of it. I can only piece together things - like I was in the chair again and I had beat someone up. But what I do know is that Grant Ward has Maria, and we have no idea where they are at.

I blame myself for all of it. I'm supposed to be the one protecting her and keeping him away from her. Instead, I failed at my one sole purpose in life. She is in the hands of a monster.

Nobody has to say it, I know they are thinking it. Tony kept glaring at me, taunting me to give up information that I clearly don't have. A few team members look at me with pity, but I don't want pity. I want Maria.

We've been trying to figure out where she is. The trail was going cold until we got a video transmission. And that didn't make me feel any better. She was battered and bruised and obviously weak. I mean hell, she could barely hold her head up. Ward made her read a few things off, negotiating for Whitehall's release. And then he forced her to say goodbye to everyone.

Which was when we found out that she thinks I'm dead.

Talk about blaming yourself even more.

The way her voice broke as she told Steve that she was sorry for not saving me was like a shot to the heart. As if I hadn't told him the same thing about her when he came and got me.

After spending hours scanning and searching, we finally found some clues. The entire time that Maria was speaking, she tapped with her index finger, sending a message in Morse code. The words were all descriptive ones, which is hopefully going to point us in the direction of where she is now.

I just hope we can make it to her before it's too late. Because if we don't, I don't know what I'm going to do.

- - - - -

Maria worked on brushing Jamie's damp hair, watching the girl through the mirror. She was playing with the hem of the shirt she was wearing - an old tee of Tony's that he had let her have. There was a picture floating around somewhere of Maria in the same shirt, sitting on one of her father's car hoods.

When they arrived with Clint, it was decided that they would gather together for test runs the next day. For the time being, everyone needed to rest up. Nobody knew what the next few days were going to look like. So while Steve was catching up with some of the other survivors, Maria chose to spend her time with her daughter.