behind blue eyes [bucky barnes]

onehundredandfiftyone

"It's not too late to build it back, 'cause a one-in-a-million chance is still a chance."

Song: Trainwreck by James Arthur

. . . . .

Journal Entry #78

A lot happened in the span of about 8 hours.

First, I nearly killed Maria.

Second, I ran off to try and clear my head, but Maria and Steve found me.

Then they brought me back to the tower, where Maria and I.... well.... A gentleman never fucks and tells.

It was my worst nightmare come to life (not the sex - the sex was fucking out of this world.). But something happened and I was activated into "Winter Soldier Mode." The difference was that I could see and remember everything. But it was like I had no control over my body.

I could have killed her. I would have killed her, had it not been for her and Steve working together to stop me. And that terrifies me. Because that's my soulmate - my girl. And I could have just ended her life right there, no hesitation. What kind of monster could do that?

So when I came to, I bolted. I ran until my legs started feeling weak. Where I ended up was Brooklyn - my home. Well, not anymore. It was my home a lifetime ago. I walked the streets for hours, my mind recalling so many memories. I even found where my old apartment was. Funny enough, it was one block away from Maria's. But I didn't stop, I just kept roaming.

Which was when Steve and Maria found me.

She tried to talk to me, reasoning that she was fine. But she wasn't, and I knew that. I could feel how scared she was. I'm sure she could feel how scared I was too. Fucking soulmate bond is a paradox. I yelled at her, which only caused her to yell right back. The perfect mixture of give and take. When she raised her voice at me, I finally accepted that I had to go back with her. I couldn't break her heart and leave her alone. I didn't want to, nor could my body let me. I just love her too damn much to abandon her.

If I didn't have Maria, I really don't know what I would do. She saw the ugliest part of me, the part that I hate, and still loves me. She wants a half broken, semi-stable 100 year old man. She saved me, and she doesn't even realize it. And for that, I'll be forever grateful.

- - - - -

With the rest of the surviving members of the team making their way to the compound, things finally seemed as though they were coming together. But there was a peace that was missing - and a soul that still needed to be saved. So, while the others were slowly gathering supplies and working steadily to make Tony's ideas come to life, Maria and Natasha boarded a quinjet and headed towards Tokyo.