Eleanor Snape- Book 5, Part 2

"Emotional Attachment"

"Eleanor, you've been holding that book all day. Don't you think it's time to put it down?" Lucius calmly asked. He reached out to take theName Journal from me, but I pulled it away from him.

"No!" I shouted, sniffleing as tears fell down my face. Lucius shook his head.

"Come on, Elle. Healer Phillips will be here shortly for a therapy season. YOu don't need to hold that the whole time. Will you please give it here?"

"No!" I yelled again. This time he didn't try to reach for it. 

"Please, Eleanor? You can hold Melvin, okay? And I'll give it back to you after you're finished talking to Healer Phillips." He stepped forward and put his hands on it. He began to tug against my grip, and I pulled back. Soon, we were both pulling back and forth in a frivilous game of tug-of-war.

"No!" 

"Is everything okay here?" Healer Phillips appeared in the doorway. Lucius looked up at him and let go of the journal. I took the opertunity to hug it against my chest; there was no way he was getting it. 

"I'm just trying to get Eleanor to put this journal down. She's hasn't let go of it since I've been here." 

"Well, that's okay. She can just keep a hold of it, if that's what she's comfortable with." Healer Phillips waved it off and walked towards the bed. "Now, Mrs. Malfoy, would you like Lucius to sit in here with us or leave?"

"...Leave..." I quietly said. He nodded. 

"Mr. Malfoy?"

"I'll be outside the door if you need me." Lucius replied, then went out into the hall. He closed the door behind him.

"So, how do you feel, Mrs. Malfoy? Better than you did this morning, I hope?" He sat down in the chair Lucius usually sat in. I just stared at him. "Did you take your Combinations and take your nap?" I nodded my head yes. He smiled, happy that he got some kind of response. "Did you and Draco both take a nap?" Again, I nodded. "Good. Did you eat lunch and dinner?" I shrugged.

I had nibbled on lunch, and had once bit of my soup at dinner. I really wasn't hungry, especially now that I was only eating for one again. 

"Well... Will you tell me about that book you've got there? It must be really special to you." He reached his hand out, but didn't grab for the book. I just stared at him again. I really didn't feel like talking to him, or anyone for that matter. All I felt like doing was laying back down, and thumbing through the pages of the book again, reading each name and imagining the possibilities that wouldn't happen. "May I look inside of it?" He leaned forward. I jerked it away. "Will you open it for me? I don' t even have to touch it." He suggested. I shook my head no. 

"Mrs. Malfoy, you have to talk to me if you want to get better. I can't make you talk, you have to decide to on your own. Now, will you please show me?" 

I sat, looking at him. I didn't really care about getting better, so why should I talk? I didn't want to talk to him, so why should I? But yet... if I did what he wanted, he would leave sooner. 

Just to make him happy, I opened the journal up on my lap. He leaned over it, reading it.

"It's the baby names you had pick out, wasn't it?" He calmly asked. I bit my lip, begining to tear up. "They're all very lovely." 

Yeah, and they would have been even lovely with a baby to go with them...

"That's okay, Mrs. Malfoy. If you need to cry, let it out. If there's anything you need to tell me, or want me to do, feel free to tell me."

"Get out." I covered my face. He frowned.

"Tha'ts not what I meant by things you want me to do."

"Get out....I-I"m tired..." I put my hands back down and held the book securly on my lap. When I had put my hands to my face I had left it unattended, and it had started slide off of my lap.

"You're tired? It's been a long day, hasn't it? You must be tired." 

"I....am..." I lied. Well, actually I didn't lie: I was tired, but that's not why I was telling him I'm tired. I was telling him because if I did, he would leave and let me go to bed. 

"Okay, then. I was hoping you would talk to me, but I know if you are tired there is no point in me trying. So, how about I give you your Combination, then I'll send Lucius back in?" 

"Uh--huh.." I nodded my head. He waved his wand, and a Combination flew across the room and into his hand. He handed it to me, and I took it. 

This one was dark blue, which meant it had a sleep aid in it. All my Combinations after dinner would have it in it ,I knew. It was so I would sleep so deeply that I wouldn't have any nightmares. All my Combinations in the INtensive Care unit had a sleep aid in them, so I could sleep off the pain. Now that I was healed, I only had it in the ones I needed it in. 

I wanted the sleep aid, though. Deep, almost unwakeible sleep was much better than painful, suffering conciousness...

"Alright, you go lay down, and I will go get him.' Healer Phillips headed towards teh door. I slid down inbetween the blankets and hugged the journal to my stomach. In a few minutes I wouldn't have to deal with any of this for atleast seven hours... I closed my eyes, praying sleep would come very soon. 

"Is she already asleep?" I heard Lucius asked. He must have come back with Healer Phillips.

"She shouldn't be, unless she was really tired." He replied. "Mrs. Malfoy, are you asleep?" I didn't respond, not because I wanted them ot think I was asleep, but because I didn't want to talk to them. "Hm. She must have been very tired. She doesn't even have Melvin." At the mention of him, I felt the stuffed dragon be laid down beside me in bed .I left him. 

"I don't know. She might not want him. She threw him across the room today;"

"What?"

"She threw him across the room. Draco said she wouldn't take him, either. And now she won't separate from this book... What do you think about it?"

"I think..." Healer Phillips stopped for a moment. "I think she's emotionally attached to it, just like she was to Melvin. The names of her baby are in there, and that's the only reminder she has left of it. She wants to keep it safe."

"Do you think she'll lighten up and put it down?"

No.

"Maybe. It's hard to say. She could tommorrow, or it could be monthes from now. She's really hurt, and I think she still doesn't know how to feel." 

"It pains me to see her like this. She was so happy before. She had progressed so much."

"She's going to have degressions all her life. She'll learn ot cope with loss better, but she will always degress and regress. It's a hard truth..."

As they talked, I began to drift into sleep. My thoughts began to float and shift, sending thoughts through the blackness that I couldn't control.

You could find a knife

They hissed

Or a window.

Steal a wand.

Tie the bed sheets together and make a rope.

Find some time alone.

YOu can be with your baby.

"No...." I tried to yell, but it only came out as a mumble. The two men looked at me.

"Elle?" Lucius asked, but I was far too gone to answer.

Or a bit more Combination. 

You can end it.