"I love you god knows I do but I can't do this. I can't. I put up with the phone calls, the text messages, social media, random chicks, not coming home, and everything else. Let alone a baby you conceived by some random chick. I'd be a fool to marry...
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Chapter 28: Shoulda Been There Chris
They say you never know what you got 'til it's gone You shoulda been there, now she's singing this song [Shoulda Been There: Sevyen Streeter ft. B.O.B]
Chris road back home in a somewhat comfortable silence as he stole glances at his son's safari themed urn that he had safely buckled up in his passenger seat. He had a whole baby boy and knew nothing about him until today and it hurt. It broke his heart. He should've been there for him and his mother especially when they needed him the most. True he was happy that he finally had the much needed conversation with April and was glad that they both let loose and poured everything out. But even though he felt good about the conversation the main things that stayed and lingered in his head was that 1. April was indeed pregnant 2. She suffered a miscarriage 3. Although she suffered a miscarriage she still had to give birth as if their child was still alive and 4. HE WASN'T THERE FOR THE BOTH OF THEM WHEN THEY NEEDED HIM THE MOST.
If April wasn't stressed and putting up with his constant bullshit and shenanigans he knew for a fact that CMB Jr would be alive and well. Who knows how their life would've been if Jr was in it? Maybe they would be living like a family and trying to get back to their happy place. Maybe April would've had the strength to leave sooner rather than later and they were just cordial for the sake of their son and co-parenting. With all the what if's playing in his head he had to be realistic about the situation. His rather their little boy was in fact dead and sitting right beside him in a customized urn that his mommy got specially made for him.
This feeling was new to him and he didn't like it one bit. It was hard to deal with a family member passing but the passing of a son he knew nothing about was even harder. Chris felt guilty more than anything. Here he had a 4 ½ year old beautiful little girl and to think if she died today he would literally be a fuckin mess and wouldn't know how to deal with it. So for him to have a deceased little boy whom he had never met or knew nothing about killed him inside. He didn't know how April had held on for so long keeping something that major to herself. What he did know was that she was a strong ass woman. Shit she had to be.
Chris was so grateful that throughout the bullshit he had put April through that she had still thought of him enough to name their little boy after him AND even given him a piece of his son when she didn't have to give him shit. It never ceased to amaze him how humble April was and he was truly thankful for her humility. He didn't know how he was going to get through with his son's death or the fact that he actually had a son but he knew if April dealt with it for years by herself then he'd be strong enough to deal with it too. Besides he knew if he needed someone to talk to about it that he could call April and she'd be there to talk and listen to him. Add that to the list of shit April didn't have to do but was willing to do. Chris knew it was only because it was him. He couldn't imagine her doing the shit she did for him for another nigga.
