The Drug In Me (Ronnie Radke Love Story)

Forever Fear

* ^^^^theres a picture of what Ryker's bruises look like (the picture plus another bruise on the other side of her forehead)*

I knelt down on the stairs, rocking back and forth for a long time. Once the panic attack was over, I had gone to the bathroom and covered the bruises once more.

Then, I pulled on a jacket and creeped outside. I saw no one, so I walked out and slipped into the woods. My heart was pounding, and my body seemed to already be throbbing with the pain that was inevitably coming. I pulled the jacket closer around me, shivering.

It was a cold night, and my breath fogged up, blowing back onto me as I made my way through the woods. The moon was high in the sky, sending its glow down on the woods, giving it an eerie look. If I weren't walking right into a beating, I might find it pretty.

But I felt nothing, nothing but constant fear. Fear for my life, fear for other peoples lives. Fear. Always fear. Forever fearing, that was my fate. I couldn't escape it, couldn't run from it. I had to face it. And I did.

Every fucking night I faced it, only to have to face it yet again the next night, and the next and the next, until the end of time. Even in death I'd probably still have to face it. His face, I could never escape it.

I stood there shivering outside, waiting for him to come for me. Every whistle of the wind made me shake, every crackle of a branch made my heart pound. The fear of waiting, it was terrifying.

Just when I thought maybe he wasn't coming, I felt his presence behind me. I didn't bother turning around, instead waiting for the blows.

And they came all right. I fell to the ground as his fist slammed into the back of my head. I coughed into the ground, unable to breathe, and he kicked my stomach.

I fell onto my side, coughing painfully while he repeatedly slammed his feet into my gut. I coughed so hard, and then I felt something trickling down my chin. I didn't bother touching it to see what it was - I knew. I was coughing up blood.

I saw his boner - he was getting off at the sight of me crumbling at his feet. He laughed disgustingly, gripping my arm so tight that it bruised, then pulled me up and slammed me against a tree.

Dots clouded my vision while he undressed me. I stood there in pain, yet I felt numb, as he raped me. It felt as though I wasn't a part of my body, like I was sort of just trapped inside myself, unfeeling.

I heard nothing, saw nothing, felt nothing I was just numb, numb to everything. Numb to pain, numb to touch, numb to feeling.

He scoffed at me when he was done, and punched me right on the jaw. I fell down, and watched as he walked away slowly. His red cowboy boots faded in and out of my vision as he walked.

I was going in and out. I lay there for a while, naked and battered, until I saw the light peeking through the leaves, warming my body slightly. I had been in a subconscious state, and had laid naked all night in the cold. I shivered and sat up, pulling on my clothes.

I wrapped the jacket around me, zipping it up and pulling the hood on.

I stumbled out of the woods, limping my way back to warped. How long before I wouldn't be able to go any farther? How far would I go until I passed out naked in the woods and never got up?

How far until I fell unconscious and never stirred again? How far until He doesn't let me go? How far? How much longer?

I wish I knew the answer-I hoped it was soon. Soon please, let this end soon. I didn't bother looking up, instead glancing up through my hair every once in a while while I stumbled around.