The Drug In Me (Ronnie Radke Love Story)

Bonus Chapter 4

*Ronnie*

I couldn't get her out of my head. I tried to think of other things, but my mind always drifted back to her. Thinking of food? I thought of how she hardly ate. Thinking of my songs? I thought of her dancing in the kitchen and humming to herself when she thought no one saw. Thinking of tattoos? I thought of how good she looked when she wore a short-sleeved shirt and I got to see her tattoos that night at the club.

I thought of her, how pretty she was, how much I liked her. I loved just being near her, being around her. Being with her, I felt like I was a-okay, like I could do anything. And all I wanted was to stay by her, stay with her. I just want her to be with me always. I never wanted her to leave me.

Did she still love me? It seemed like she did before. She always seemed to get nervous and red and flustered when she was around me.

When we were in the bathroom, and I was cleaning her face, wiping the blood off and trying to patch her up without losing it and breaking down, she had been so scared. And yet, still beautiful, even with the busted up face and split lip. Her eyes were twinkling with tears, giving them a sort of glimmery shine.

I could hear her breathing and for a moment, I thought maybe it was more than just her fear of whoever it was hurting her. I thought maybe she was nervous and breathing like that because I was so close to her. I saw her shudder when her knees brushed against my hips. I know she felt something for me.

But when I couldn't help but lean into her, she had freaked out and tried to run away, muttering to herself and crying.

She always pushed me away. She avoided me so much, it hurt me. I felt bad, like I didn't make her happy anymore. I figure it was just because she was nervous to be around me, scared that she might put me in danger or something. But a part of me felt like maybe it was my fault, that I did something wrong.

I remember when I got mad at her once and yelled at her. I felt, and still feel, really bad about it. I never meant to yell at her. I wasn't mad at her, I was mad at the person hurting her. I still am.

But I had taken it out on her. She had started to cry, but she had gotten in my face and screamed back at me before running away. That part gave me hope. She may be hurting, but she hasn't let the person change who she was. She was still a fiery girl who screamed and fought back.

I wish I could apologize to her about that....I felt horrible about it. I had yelled at her, and it wasn't her fault. She was hurting, and instead of being considerate and caring and understanding, I had gotten upset and mad and I had yelled at her. I was ashamed.

I remember all the times I had tried to kiss her and she had run away. It hurt, but mostly it confused me. She acted like she liked me and then she ran away when I got close? I guess it was because of the person hurting her. If I ever find out who it was, I would fucking go to jail for killing them. And I wouldn't hardly care.

I remember being in my bed once, with her, and she was being all shy and it was adorable and she was driving me insane by biting her lip and I just wanted to grab her and kiss her senseless, but I didn't want to scare her away.

So I had asked her if I could kiss her, and she had looked at me shocked, staring for a long time. She had blushed, and she looked at my face, looked in my eyes like she could see down into my soul, and given the faintest of nods. It was so small, I wouldn't have seen it if I hadn't been so intensely searching for it. That one tiny nod was the most amazing thing I could have ever seen.

I had tried to be soft, tried to be slow, just absorbing how wonderful it was to be kissing her at all. But then she had laid back, and I had inched closer to the edge of my control. She had let her hands roam, sliding up my chest to my shoulders, playing with the ends of my hair. And I had lost it a little more at that.

And then she had gone and tugged on my hair, driving me crazy, and it had sent me over the edge.

I had started to kiss her harder, doing my absolute best to control myself. But she kept pulling and tugging and I couldn't stop myself anymore. I parted my lips and slipped my tongue out, brushing it against her lips.

She had frozen then, not moving at all. I was so scared, so scared that I had done something wrong, that I had gone too far, that I had crossed the boundary. I sat back and started to apologize, feeling really bad. But the look on her face didn't seem bad, and she had licked her lips and smiled, bringing a hand up to touch her lips softly. I had smiled at her, she had enjoyed it!

I was so happy, I wanted to kiss her again, just kiss her forever, but she had gotten up and hugged me. I hugged her back and then she had let go. I didn't want to overwhelm her so I let her be, getting up and going to the bathroom.

I stood looking in the mirror, trying to relive the kiss.

I wish I could kiss her like that forever.