The Drug In Me (Ronnie Radke Love Story)

Uncontrollable

What's happening to me?

I'm losing control of myself, my feelings. I hate not being in control of myself, of my emotions.

Ever since they took me from my home, my family, my life, I've hated it. I couldn't control it, so I did everything I could to stay in control.

The working out, that helped. I was in control of my body, and I knew that I'd have a fair hand if I ever was in a fight. But now, I can't do anything.

I'm finally free from prison, but I'm still a prisoner of my own mind, and I don't have control over anything anymore. Not my feelings, not where I'm going, not what I do. I've lost control of everything.

I can't help it though. The flashbacks, they're getting worse. The memories, they're haunting me and I don't have the energy or strength to push them back to the depths of my mind. They taunt me and tease me, flaunting their control over me, laughing at me.

And I hate it.

I hate it.

"I HATE IT!" I scream at the top of my lungs.

Oh great, now I can't even control the link between my head and my mouth. Well, no point holding it back, no one can see me anyways.

"I HATE IT ALL! EVERY MOTHERFUCKING PART OF IT! LIFE BLOWS," I scream. I have to grip the branch tightly as I'm overtaken by uncontrollable sobs.

This will be the first time I've cried in 3 years. 3 years since I stopped showing emotion. 4 years since it started. An entire year, a whole year of torture.

I can't bring myself to speak of it, but I can't just forget about it.

I scream and sob there, hidden away up in the tree, invisible to all below me. I feel safer up here. He can't get me here.

I know it. He's afraid of heights. And me? The only thing I'm afraid of is Him. My worst nightmare used to be destroying those I love.

But now I have no one to destroy but myself.

All I have to fear, is Him.

It seems like hours, ages, as I cry and shake and scream, uncontrollable and inconsolable.

I can't take it. I can't just hide from it. But I can't face it either.

Finally I stop, tears cried dry, and my body has no energy left to do anything. I'd probably fall out of the tree if I hadn't picked such a sturdy branch.

I sit there for a while longer, staring off into the sky, numb. I let out my emotions finally, and it was time to hide it all away again, become numb. Numb is good. Better than fear.

But the fear is always there, lurking beneath the surface. It will catch me one day, and it will take over and destroy me fully. It's slowly destroying me bit by bit, until I'll waste away to nothing.