The Drug In Me (Ronnie Radke Love Story)

To Be Nothing

He was mad at me for trying to escape. I was mad at myself for failing. Didn't I know, that was my only chance? It would never happen again! It was my only chance, and I blew it. Like always. Damn, I was such a fuck up! I was too weak, too stupid, too pathetic to escape. I couldn't even manage to keep my eyes open for more than a minute.

I felt like I was in a state of catatonia, so muted and out of touch with the world. I wasn't connected to the world, I was merely a floating mind trapped in this world that I didn't belong in. What did I give to the world? I was nothing but a punching bag, a sex toy, an object for a sick mans pleasure and enjoyment. I was nothing.

I was nothing. He knew it. I knew it. He would tell me this constantly, but didn't He know that the voices in my head already told me? Didn't He know that I already knew that? It was his fault I was still wasting space on this earth. His fault......His fault.

And it was His fault Ronnie may be dead. But it was also my fault. He may have been the one driving the car. But I was the one He was thinking of when He did it. God, how could I be so selfish? I had out Ronnie in danger just because I wanted to feel like I was worth something to somebody.

I was selfish, and I put him in danger because I wanted to touch him, I wanted him to touch me, to hold me, to feel me, to love me. I let him be in danger because I wanted to kiss him, to feel him, to love him. I let him be in danger because I wanted to pretend I was worth something, pretend that I wasn't a helpless little slut, a nothing.

I killed the only man I had ever loved. You know what that does to you? It destroys you. Everything destroys me. I am a means for destruction, I'm a worthless, weak, feeble ball of nothingness that just destroys and gets destroyed.

"You're going crazy"
"You're already nuts"
"Don't you see?"
"We hate you"
"They hate you"
"You hate you"
"Everybody hates you"

"Why are you still here?"
"Just die!"
"Kill yourself already"
"You're stupid"
"So stupid"
"Worthless"
"Skank"
"Bitch"
"Nothing"

"Nobody wants you"
"You belong to Him"
"No one wants you but Him"
"You are nothing"

"Die"
"Die."
"Die!"
"DIE!"

The voices screamed at me. I may be the only one down here, but I was never alone. No. The voices, sometimes they were in my head. Other times it sounded like they came from beside me, or somewhere in the room.

I thought it was just because of my depression. The voices had always been there, for as long as I can remember. Sometimes they are comforting. But most of the time they are mean. They tell me things, say things, suggest things. They tell me I should die. I already know that, I always have. They talk to me, whisper things. I knew it wasn't normal; I knew I wasn't normal.

There were all sorts of voices: girl, boy, young, old. And ever since I've been down here with nothing to drown them out, they've gotten louder. Or maybe they've always been this loud, I just didn't realize it amongst all the other sounds of the world above.

But I didn't understand till just a moment ago. I didn't understand that lately, lately they've been in my voice, coming from my mouth.

If I didn't get out soon, I think I would be too far gone to ever get better. I was losing it, and I was losing it faster and faster.