The Drug In Me (Ronnie Radke Love Story)

Realizations

I was bad. I was bad news. I was trouble. Anyone who got close to me ended up getting hurt. No matter what I do, I always ended up causing the people around me to be hurt.

That's what happens to people who get close to me. They get hurt. They-they d-die. I am a horrible person. I always hurt the people I love.

No one should be around me. I shouldn't let anyone get close to me. No more people should get hurt because of me. No one should die because of me. I-I couldn't deal with it. I didn't want this, I never wanted this!

"WHY? WHY ME? WHY YOU? WHY DID YOU CHOOSE ME? I NEVER WANTED TO BE DIFFERENT! I NEVER WANTED THIS! I JUST WANT TO FEEL SAFE AGAIN!" I screamed, my voice scratchy. It hurt to talk, I hadn't had water in days. My mouth was dry, my throat was dry, so dry.

I started to cry, my face pained as it scrunched up, sticky from tears. "I-I never wanted any of this to happen. I never wanted people to die for me. I- I just want to feel safe again" I whimpered, sobbing.

I shoved my hands into my face, my body shaking. Ronnie had been hurt, maybe even killed, because of my selfish cowardice! If I had been more brave, more selfless, more caring, then Ronnie would be ok! He would be better off not knowing me. They all would! I-I don't know what I would do if He went after one of the others.

What if He hurt Max? Or Ryan, or Ron? Or, oh god, what if He hurt Jacky, or Janey, or anyone else? It would all be because of me! I couldn't live with myself knowing that I had caused it.

What was I? I was nothing but a destroying, bitchy, cowardly life wrecker. I ruined everything for everyone. It was a wonder that anyone even wanted to be around me.

They didn't really want to be around me, they just stayed around because they felt bad for me. They only stayed around out of pity. They felt bad for me. They didn't really care about me. No one cared about me. No one.

"I-I didn't want any of this. I-I'm so sorry Ronnie, I'm so sorry" I said, wiping my face, biting my lip. It was all my fault.

"I didn't want any of this, I'm so sorry, wahh wahh wahh" He mocked me, whining. I looked at Him in shock. I hadn't even noticed that He was here, hadn't even heard Him come. It was night time already?

He laughed at me maliciously, grinning down at me, eyes narrowed. I shuddered, but then I closed my eyes, upset. I was tired of keeping on, tired of holding on, tired of going on. I was too tired, too sad, too empty. I didn't want to hold on any longer.

What was the point of holding on? I couldn't really expect to go back above ground. What then? Even if I somehow escaped Him for good, I'd just be endangering everyone until another Him came along. I would always be in danger. Always. There would always be another Him, no matter what, I wasn't safe. Even if He died, another one would come to take his place. I'd never be free.

He kicked me in the side, really hard. I guess He had said something and I hadn't responded. He glared at me, yelling at me, "Pathetic. You're nothing but a blubbering little whore. Where are your friends now, huh? Where's your loving Ronnie? Think they're looking for you? You think they care? If they cared, why didn't they think to follow you? They had so many chances to help you, to stop me. But they didn't. They didn't even care enough to stay up and follow you when you left at night. They all hate you!"

I cried harder, listening to Him. What if He was right? Maybe He was right....Maybe they wanted me to be gone. Maybe they were happy now that I was gone. Maybe they were.....

"They hate you! They all hate you! They told me themselves! Well, Jacky has at least" He sneered at me. J-Jacky? He's talked to Jacky? N-no! No, that can't be!

"Y-you've talked to Jacky?" I asked, my heart beating fast. Please no, don't let Him hurt Jacky too, please....

He glared at me. "Of course I have! Thats what I said didn't I? I've become quite good friends with him! He tells me about you all the time. He tells me about how much you annoyed him and how all the guys in the band hated having you around. He talks about how they all hate you, and how they're so happy that you're gone. He told me that he hopes someone hurts you so much every day. He says he hopes you die because of what you did to Ronnie. And well, I, of course, being such a gracious friend, well, I carry out his wish. Im just that good of a friend, I know, I know"

My eyes watered, tears brimming, making my eyes sting. My lips trembled, and He began to hurt me. I don't know what hurt more, His abuse on my outside, or His abuse on my inside. I couldn't tell whether my body hurt more or my soul, my heart hurt more. Was He right? Was He telling me the truth?

Did they really hate me? Did they wish I was dead? I wished I was dead.

But then, I realized what was more important-Was He going to hurt Jacky?