The Drug In Me (Ronnie Radke Love Story)

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By the time Morgan pulled up to the courtroom, I was shaking so badly that the car was vibrating. I couldn't keep my hands still enough to unbuckle my seatbelt, so Ronnie had to do it for me.

I was terrified, I couldn't possibly do this, no way no how. Ronnie took my hand and helped me out of the car, and I leaned on him as we all walked towards the double doors.

Ryan pulled up behind us. Jacky, Ryan, Derek, Janey and Max all tumbled out of the car, following us in. I sniffled and trembled, tears pouring into my eyes.

After 4, nearly 5 years, I was finally going to face Him in court, and try to bring Him down. What was I thinking? I could never do this. I could never possibly do anything to hurt Him. He was too powerful, too 'charming', too influential. Nobody would take my word over His!

I was going to go in there, fail, and then He would be completely free, and He would come after me, and He would kill Ronnie, and hurt the others, and oh god! oh god, what was I doing? I was going to get everyone killed!

I screamed and backed up, out of Ronnie's loose arms, and stumbled backwards, shaking my head. I was blinded by terror, by my tears, by the memories, by everything.

What could I possibly do against Him? Nothing! I could do nothing! I would only bring on more pain, more hurt, more injuries! Fuck, when would I learn? When would I learn that I could do nothing?

When would I learn to just shut up, sit back, and accept that I would always be hurt? Why did I always bring others into it? Why did I always just try to fight? I knew that people would be hurt if I did! Was I that horrible? That selfish? I didn't want to be. I don't want to be!

Tears poured out of my eyes and I covered my face with my hands, too scared to see what was happening. Oh god, what if He was standing right in those doors, waiting for me? Watching me? Oh god oh god oh god I couldn't do this. I couldn't go in there! I couldn't! Nothing good would come from this!

R-Ronnie, He would kill Ronnie! He had already tried twice, what makes you think He wouldn't do it again? He would! And He had really hurt Jacky, of course He would do it again. He would probably go after everyone!

He would kill all of Falling In Reverse, He would kill Max, kill Janey, kill anyone that He even thought might be close to me, anyone that I might care about. And then He would take me and torture me until I died!

I felt hands on my arms and soon my hands were being pulled away from my wet face. "Ry, shh, come here" Ronnie's voice said softly, and he pulled me to his chest. I held onto him tightly, crying and shaking, clutching his shirt in my fists. Ronnie. He was all that could calm me down, all that could push down the terror gnawing at my insides.

"Ry, babe, you can do it. You can go in there. We're gonna take John down, we're gonna send him to prison. We are going to do it, and we'll do it together. I'll be right here with you the whole time" Ronnie whispered to me, and he pulled away slowly.

He took off his scarf and laid it on my shoulders, around my neck. I clutched it gratefully and took his hand, letting him lead me towards the door. Ronnie would be right behind me, and with the scarf I could smell it and touch it and pretend that he was right there next to me.

I limped into the building, my eyes darting to every corner, every hallway, searching. I didn't see Him anywhere, and for that I was grateful. But I knew it was only a matter of time before I was face to face with Him.

Spencer and Morgan walked over to where Hotchner and JJ were standing with a man in long robes. He had so many lines on his face it looked as if his face had been run over by a tiny train for years, the tracks forming wrinkles in his face. He looked serious, but it didn't feel like he was mean or anything. Just a serious guy.

I think he must be on the jury, or maybe he was the judge.

I walked over with Ronnie, and everyone looked at Ronnie, clearing their throats awkwardly.

Oh no, this was it. This was when I would have to go on alone, wasn't it?

I looked to Ronnie, who smiled softly at me. He leaned into me and kissed my lips softly, but I wrapped my arms around him and kissed him harder, scared for him to leave. I held him to me for as long as I could.

I didn't want to be alone. I needed him by my side.

He brushed his thumb across my cheek softly and pulled away, pecking my lips once and then walking away.

I started shaking again, no Ronnie with me to push down the terror. I looked back in fear to see Ronnie looking at me in longing, just before I was led into a room, the door shutting behind me.

From this point on, I would have to do it alone.