The Drug In Me (Ronnie Radke Love Story)

READ THE SEPARATE BOOK

**** I'm sorry guys it won't be like this forever! Just for a while....till the end of this book. But there will be a 3rd book.

I guess I should tell you this in case it isn't clear: the italics, the 'voice' as I like to call it, is a part of Ryker.

A part of her wants to be good and get better, and another part doesn't want to heal, it just wants to forget and do drugs and get wasted and just destroy itself just to forget the pain for a while. And the italicized 'voice' is that part of Ryker, the part that is destructive and wants to do all the bad stuff. ****

I stumbled into the house and unhooked Charlie from his leash. He ran off into the living room and I hung his leash on a hook by the door, leaning over to unlace my boots. I lost my balance and fell down, and that's how Ronnie found me, laying on my hands and knees, my forehead resting on the floor.

I didn't feel so good...

It's probably just the heroin, I need to get used to it. It's just new, I'm just not used to it yet. I-I just need to use it for a while so I can get used to it.....

I took a sigh and sat up, unlacing my boots from the safety of a sitting position on the floor.

"Ry? You okay?" he asked, looking at me curiously.

Oh fuck, what do I say? Quick, think, think, think!

"Mmm, yeah I'm fine, I just-my head kinda hurts. I think I need a drink or something" I quickly said, and he raised his eyebrows. "Of water! Not a drink like drink, a drink like a glass of water, cause I'm dehydrated" I quickly added on, stumbling over my words.

Fuck, smooth. Definitely sounds like you know what you're talking about. Ugh, fuck!

I stood up once I slipped the boots off and grabbed the wall for support.

This exhaustion had hit me harder than usual....

Just get used to it, it's fine....

I got to the kitchen and Ronnie turned and held a glass of ice water out for me. I smiled gratefully and sipped it. It did wake me up a bit, the cold ice stimulating the senses in my mouth and making me feel more alert. Not that I was alert, or on the level I would be sober, but it was better than before.

I drank half the glass and then set it down, trying to smile at Ronnie.

I looked into his face, and felt different, conflicting feelings hit me all at once.

Love, of course. Always love. I always felt it when I was near him, and even when I wasn't near him I felt it. Love. It was just constantly pouring through my blood; I loved Ronnie.

Shame, for the drugs. And guilt. I felt like I betrayed him every time I did drugs, but I couldn't help myself, and I know he wouldn't believe me if I told him I couldn't help myself and I know it's not an excuse but if you were me, if you had gone through all that I've gone through then maybe, maybe you would get a speck of the pain and hurt that I feel every single day, and understand why it's so hard to stop. I need the heroin, I mentally and physically need it.

I also felt like I betrayed myself too, or at least a part of me, the part that wants to be good, wants to be better. I didn't care so much about that though; I more so cared about how I was betraying Ronnie, going behind his back and doing drugs, specifically drugs that he himself did before, and injecting in his fucking house for Hells sake. It was despicable, I know it.

Fear. I felt fear. Fear of him learning the truth. Fear of him finding out. And fear of what he would do when he found out, how he would react. Would he try to help? Would we fight? Would he kick me out? Would he break down, cry? I'd rather have him hate me than cry...Oh, anything but that, please don't let him cry...

But I guess I had been staring for too long because he waved a hand in my face and I jumped, brought back to reality.

"You okay? You're acting....strange..." He asked me. I nodded quickly, waving him off. "Fine, just tired from the walk" I said, shrugging.

Fuck, what if he's onto you?

Calm down it's fine, it's probably nothing...

But what if it's not? What if he suspects you, what if-

No, no what ifs. If he knows, he knows. There's nothing I can do.

You have to leave, quick! Before he finds out everything-!

No, stop!

I focused back in on Ronnie, feeling like a tornado was going off in my head, wreaking havoc with all the fears and feelings and questions and thoughts, all smashing into each other and banging around in my mind.

He grinned and said "Thanks for taking Charlie out. But can I ask why?"

I took a sharp intake of breath and desperately tried to think of a fast answer.

"Erm, I just.........woke up early and felt like a walk. I thought I could do something for you and make you breakfast when I got back, but....you seem to have beaten me to it" I said quickly, looking at the plate of leftover pancakes.

I scowled a little.

I still hate you pancakes....

"Yeah, there was left over pancakes from yesterday morning so I thought I'd just heat them up" he explained, smiling. I nodded carefully, turning towards the table. I had my back to Ronnie, and I felt a chill as he stepped closer to me, pressing me into the table, his lips hovering over my shoulder.

I shivered, my heart beat picking up, although it wasn't hammering nearly as much as usual.

Apparently heroin slows down your heartbeat and everything and makes everything move slower than normal. Thats why it's so dangerous to take too much, and why there's a very high possibility of death from overdosing. The mortality rate of heroin overdose is much higher than that of other drugs, so I've heard.

That should probably scare me away from doing it, right? I mean, it fucks with my heart, slows it down, slows down my breathing, all that. The looming threat of death. That all should scare me away, right?

But, I kind of think it's cool. A little injection can slow everything down. Everything slows down, makes me feel like time isn't running out so fast, like I've still got time left before I get old and wrinkly and die. If I even make it that far.

Just a simple powder having the ability to slow my body down. I always feel like time is passing by too quickly and I'm losing it, wasting away; with heroin I feel like time slows down with my body, and life doesn't hurt so much. I don't know, it's kind of a nice thought.

Or maybe I'm just crazy. Probably.

"So, what were you planning on making us for breakfast" Ronnie murmured, his breath fanning out into my neck as he pulled his hand up to move the hair from my neck.

I shivered and tried to keep my voice calm as I spoke. "Hmm, I know you wanted to get some melons yesterday, but then you ended up getting pancakes" I said, trailing off and peeking over my shoulder.

Ronnie laughed and started kissing my neck, wrapping his arms around my waist and pulling me against him.

"Is that an offer?" he mumbled, turning me around and pinning me against the wall.

"Hmm, I don't know" I replied, trying to stay cool, but his hands had slipped up my shirt, his fingers rubbing circles on my hips, and I was on fire, just waiting to explode. I don't think it was just the heroin making my breathing slow and hitched, not anymore.

"I think Ill take that as a yes" he smirked, suddenly reaching under my butt and picking me up, carrying me to the couch and laying me down on it, planking over me.

He kissed me hard and we stayed there, kissing roughly, biting lips, tugging hair and running our hands all over each other.

And the plate of pancakes lay forgotten on the kitchen table, all alone.

Ha, serves them right, the fucking cockblock pancakes.