The Drug In Me (Ronnie Radke Love Story)

Embrace

His arms were the only thing keeping me from collapsing on the floor. His arms, his strong, warm arms. Arms that were used, not to hit me, or hurt me, or imprison me, but to embrace me.

Funny how the same body part could be used to hurt you and comfort you. How could we trust arms to help us, when we know that any second they could be used to harm us? It was a strange thing.

"Maybe we should give them some time" Jacky said, and then he ushered the others out of the room, closing the door behind him. I slouched there, my head down, biting my lip and holding in the sobs.

How could I be feeling all these opposite emotions, all at the same time? I was scared, always scared, and worried, and fidgety, but I was also nervous, and excited to be near Ronnie. What was this? How could this be?

Feeling was a strange thing, I couldn't understand it. I don't think I ever would. But did anyone really understand them, or did they just think they did?

"Ryker" Ronnie asked, making me move as his chest vibrated from the sound.

"Hmm" was all I could manage to get out. I was so close to this amazing, incredible man, and all I could do was mumble and shake like a baby.

"Would you be my valentine?" He asked, and his voice sounded almost nervous. "Ronnie, it's not February" I said, chuckling a bit.

That was the first time I laughed in a long, long time, other than humorless, despairing laughs I often had walking away from the woods in the morning.

"Well yeah, but still" Ronnie said, and my heart started to soar, before my brain had to make it drop in fear. If He found out, then he would definitely hurt me more, and he might even hurt Ronnie.

"I-I can't Ronnie" I muttered, and Ronnie let go of me abruptly. I stumbled and nearly fell, just barely gaining my balance in time to stay upright.

"You can't, you can't, you always say you can't, but you can! For once, just, say you can!" Ronnie exclaimed, running his hand through his hair in frustration.

"But I can't!" I yelled at him, suddenly angry. What right did he have to order me around?!! He had no control over me at all!

"But you can!" he yelled back, angry too.

"NO I CANNOT! EVERYTHING I DO, REFLECTS BACK ON WHAT WILL HAPPEN LATER TONIGHT! WHAT I DO AFFECTS WHAT HE DOES TO ME! SO DONT YOU FUCKING DARE ASSUME THAT YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT HOW THIS WORKS, AND WHAT I CAN AND CAN'T DO! YOU DONT! AND I CAN'T!" I yelled at him, and stormed out of the room.

I slammed the door behind me and stomped out of the bus, pulling away from Jacky's outstretched hand offering comfort.

How dare Ronnie, how dare he!

I stomped to a tree, and, still fuming, climbed it. I pulled at my hair in frustration, angry beyond belief. What right did he think he had to do that? He had no right!

Absolutely no right! I stayed up there for a long time, and then I walked to the merch tent and started working to distract myself. When no one was in line, I fixed up my makeup in a mirror.

I rearranged the scarf on my neck and pulled the sweater down till the ends reached my fingertips, sitting there pouting.

I knew my butterfly bandaid was probably visible even through my hair, but no one commented or questioned about it, only looked at me uncertainly. Oh, my butterfly bandaid, that Ronnie had given me to try and help me.

He knew I wouldn't go to a hospital so he did his best to fix me up, even with limited supplies and knowledge. How sweet he had been. I almost ripped off the bandaid just because it reminded me of him. But I didn't....

When dark fell, I made my way to the edge of the Warped area.

I waited for a long time, shivering and shuddering in fear. Three times I looked around to make sure I was alone.

I knew I was. I had walked to meet him, every day. I knew exactly what to do. I was to walk to the outskirts of the buses, and wait for Him to come take me away.

So then why was I alone...?

I waited. And waited. And waited. I sat down on the grass, crossing my legs and wrapping my arms around myself. And waited. And waited. And waited.

But no one showed.

***dear cjradke suggested the idea of having 'Him' not show up, so thank them for the temporary pause in Ryker's physical abuse***