The Drug In Me (Ronnie Radke Love Story)

Numb

It's been 2 weeks. 2 weeks of the exact same thing happening over and over. Nothing was different really, I was going through the motions once again. My heart panged inside, but other than that I hardly felt anything anymore. I hardly felt the bruises from his fists, hardly felt the cuts, hardly felt the pounding pangs that went up my legs with every step I took.

I kept everything inside. I hardly talked at all, just using gestures and nods to get my message across. It was all just a big fat pile of fake, it was all pretend. Painted smiles and baggy clothes, it's amazing how much you can hide from people who aren't looking.

It was all a game of deceit, pretense, faking it. Maybe one day the smile would be real, maybe one day the clothes wouldn't be used to hide anything, maybe one day it wouldn't be pretend.

Would Death really be the only way out? The only door to freedom? And yet I felt that I couldn't even do that, not at the moment. It would hurt Janey too much, I'd have to do it when she was gone or busy. Once I was gone for a while she wouldn't mind anymore. She'd forget, move on eventually. Everyone would. They always do.

It was all a repetition of the past day, which was a repetition of the day before, and the day before that, and the day before that. Wake up, shower (and make sure to lock the door!), go go the merch tent, find a place and cry, go back to work, be taken by Him, and after a few excruciating hours, go back, go to bed, and repeat.

This would be my life, till the end. Tortured, beaten, raped, and forever reliving the moment I fucked everything up. Where did I go wrong? What was the point of all this?

I protect my sister, and end up being punished for 4 years. Then I meet a whole new Hell, finally escaped him after 2 years of his torture, and now He's back. For good. I don't know how he does it, but he's gone and trapped me again. This time it's not the hospital walls and padded white rooms keeping me from escape, it's my very mind trapping me with him.

I've tried to think of any possible solution, a way to escape and be free of him while still living, but I couldn't find one. Because there wasn't one, not for me. I was trapped, and death was my only way out.

But still I hesitated, I needed it to be perfect. I needed to time it, i needed to learn when He was here and when He isn't, need to know when I have the best opportunity. I don't know how long it would be, but I'd be free soon enough. I just hoped he didn't get to me before I could free myself.

The only thing holding me back besides hurting Janey, was also all the more reason to do it. Ronnie of course. I wish I could rewind back to the very beginning, when I first met him, and tried to start over, maybe change something.

Maybe if I did something differently it wouldn't have ended up like this. Or maybe I should just have never come to Warped. I hate to say it, but maybe I was safer in prison, maybe I was better off there. Sure there were a few punches and knifings, but it was really the only place I was free of Him.

Could I possibly go back? Escape Him and still live? I could go for a few months, or if I had to, years, and then change everything about myself. I could change my name, change my face, change my hair, and become a whole different person. Would he find me then?

Yes. Yes He would. I couldn't escape him, no matter where I go, no matter what I do, He'll always find me. I will never be free.

Never be free.