The Drug In Me (Ronnie Radke Love Story)

Discovery

I sighed softly, inhaling Ronnie's scent, breathing deeply, a hint of contentment in me. I never wanted to leave this spot. I just wanted to stay right here, right here in Ronnie's arms, feeling his warm body wrapping me up in a safety cuddle, where nothing could touch me.

Through it all, it was Ronnie that had helped me through it. When I was younger, he protected me through his music, and then he protected me through just the thought of him, and now he actually physically protected me. It was crazy to think how far I had come, how much had happened to me and yet I was still here. Although sometimes I didn't want to be.

I held his strong arm with my frail ones, clinging to him. Even in his sleep he had a way of making me feel breathless and aflame with feelings. How could I ever get used to this? How could I leave this? How could I do anything?

I let myself lay there just a little bit longer, just until I could bring myself to leave this warm spot, for the cold, dark future. Was I crazy for doing this? Maybe, but it was the only way I could ensure the safety of Ronnie and the others.

And really, it was terrifying me how much I had come to feel for him, how much I had begun to depend on him.

I couldn't depend on him, I couldn't depend on anyone, I just had to keep everyone safe and the only way I could do that was to never see them again.

Sure, I would be hurt, but they wouldn't be and that was what mattered. I'd take all the beatings in the world if it meant that I could lessen Ronnie's suffering.

He had had such a rough life already, and I was only adding to it. And I didn't like that, I didn't want that, so what could I do but leave them?

They say that if you love someone, you should let them go. But I say, if you love someone, then leave them.

That's the safest thing to do, even if it is heartbreaking and hard as fuck. I had to keep them safe, and the only way I could do that was by leaving, so I had to leave! I had to!

I slipped out of Ronnie's arms, and carefully lifted myself over him. He groaned and rolled over onto his stomach, and then was silent. I creeped to the bathroom, and turned on the light. My eyes were shocked by the sudden light, and I squinted in pain. Once I got used to it, I opened my eyes wider, and stared at my reflection.

I was starting to look better actually. It had been 3 days of not seeing Him, and I was healing up uninterrupted. My face bruises had faded to brown, only a bit of blue and purple left, and my split lip was starting to heal up.

My ribs still hurt, and I was scared that it had been broken or bruised at the very least. And then I noticed something, my eyes were sad, yeah, but they didn't look so heavy with despair, didn't look so scared, didn't look so beat up, didn't look so broken.

And I knew why.

I licked my lips and bent down over the sink, washing my face and brushing my teeth with a finger. I went to the bathroom and then, as I washed my hands, my eyes met with my reflection.

I straightened out and noticed that I was still wearing Ronnie's shirt, with nothing else but undergarments. I blushed and looked at how it hung over my weak bony frame, reaching just above my knee, and looking like a giant parachute opened across me. I had lost so much weight, it was actually kind of scary.

I padded softly back to Ronnie's room, and looked about for my clothes. Finding them in a pile, I picked them up, and stood over Ronnie to check that he was asleep.

When I was sure, I turned my back to him and slipped on my pants, quietly struggling with the skinny jeans that now fit loosely on me. I frowned at myself, I would need new clothes soon if this kept up, and I knew it would.

Why should I eat when I would be hit so much later that I'd throw it up? Eating wasn't worth it, not to me. I didn't deserve it.

I buttoned up my pants, and then I turned around to make sure that Ronnie was still asleep. He had turned over onto his back, but he was still, so I figured I was safe.

I pulled the shirt up over my head, squinting at the light hitting the curtains and creeping into the room. It was morning, I had to leave soon!

I heard a loud gasp from behind me, and I rushed to pull the shirt down over my back. I turned around in a panic to see Ronnie sitting up and staring at me.

He had seen my bruise-covered back! "I-it's nothing to worry about" I said to him, holding my hands out palm up.

"Ryker!! That is not okay, when I find out who is doing that to you I'm gonna fucking kill him" Ronnie said, clenching his teeth. I gulped, scared at the thought of Ronnie and Him fighting. If he hurt Ronnie even one bit, I don't know what I'd do, it would be my fault!

"Ryker..." Ronnie started, and I shook my head, freaking out. I stumbled backwards, grabbing my shoes and pulling them on. "Ryker!" Ronnie whisper-yelled to me.

"No no no no no" I said, shaking my head vehemently. My heart was pounding, and my hands were shaking beyond control.

I needed to calm down before I had a full-fledged panic attack, I needed to calm down right now! I needed to get out, yes, I needed to get out.

I rushed towards the door, but I tripped over an x-box controller and fell down.

I slammed my palms into the floor and started crawling away, but Ronnie rushed over to me and stood in my way. "Ryker listen to me, you're safe with me" he said to me, bending down and lifting me up from the ground.

I started breathing heavily, my heart going way too fast for me to handle, and Ronnie led me back to the bed. I climbed onto it and leaned down on my hands, breathing deeply and trying to calm my erratic heartbeat. When would I be free of this?

Throughout the whole thing, Ronnie was whispering things to me. Even at the times when I didn't know what he was saying, it still calmed me a bit even just hearing his voice.

I leaned against the headboard, breathing deeply. Ronnie leaned against it next to me and took my hand, intertwining our fingers. He said nothing for a while, we just say there in silence, feeling the others presence deeply.

Then, he started talking to me. He cleared his throat a few times, swallowed, and then opened his mouth to begin.

"I had a brother," he said, "his name was Anthony........"

And he told me about his brother, and all that they had been through. He told me about the crash, and how Anthony had called him but he hadnt picked up the phone and answered, so he was tortured with the what ifs of the situation.

And as he talked, I watched him, how his face fell, his eyes moistened at the thought of his brother. The more he talked, the more I really understood him. I squeezed his hand and listened intently, thinking about everything he said.

He was opening up to me, this was evident. The question was, why? Was he doing it in order to learn my secrets? Or did he genuinely want me to know?

**I am not condoning, romanticizing or encouraging eating disorders or any type of self-harm in this story, I just included it because it's a realistic thing for the character, and because I dunno, I'm good at writing about tortured minds and people. If you feel the way Ryker does about eating, or if you self harm, or have thoughts about self-harming or starving yourself/purging, then I want you to know that you are beautiful and I love you, and you can talk to me anytime <3 **