The Drug In Me (Ronnie Radke Love Story)

Letting Go

****I'm going to give you a little bit of a break, so enjoy the chapter, because you'll hate me soon, because of what I'm planning to do ****

I looked at him as he talked, watching the way his mouth moved, and how his face scrunched up, and how his eyebrows furrowed in pain. I wasn't sure why he was reliving his brothers death just to tell me, but I was gonna pay attention.

He wanted to talk, so I let him talk, and I listened. I wanted to know as much about him as I could before I go. Because, I would, of course, go, whether it be by death or by running away. Thats what I always did - ran away. And obviously it didn't work very well. Death was seeming increasingly better to me.

I paid attention to the way his lips curled, the way his tongue flicked out, and the way that every word he spoke seemed to hurt him even more than the last and yet he still talked.

I was so insanely flattered that he wanted to personally share the story with me. Sure, I had seen the papers, but to hear it personally from him, that was definitely something else entirely.

"It wasn't your fault. You can't play fate, you don't know what would have happened if you had answered. Ronnie, I'm sorry he's gone. I won't say it gets easier because it's damn hard to lose someone, but you can make it out alive" I said, peering into his face.

He looked at me, and my heartbeat intensified.

"I didn't lose him, not really. He's still with me" he replied, looking faraway into the distance, like he was looking into the past.

"Yeah, he is" I said, looking down. He was right, he hadn't really lost his brother. Anthony didn't choose to die, it just happened. Me? Had I lost my family? They had willingly left me, and they hadn't tried to talk to me since. I guess that's a good thing, one less person to worry about, but it hurt. It really hurt. I had lost my family, and it was their choice.

"I'm sorry your family isn't aware of how amazing you are" Ronnie whispered to me, and I looked over to see him staring at me.

I blushed, and mumbled "I'm not amazing," embarrassed.

"Yes you are Ry, I wish you could see it. You're beautiful, funny, nice, and so amazing" he said. My skin was heating up and turning red, my heart was going crazy, and my breathing was ragged.

He was so close, if I leaned over just a bit more, we would be touching, our noses brushing together. How could I concentrate, how could I even think, with him so close?

Every part of him was distracting me, making me nervous, and giving my stomach a whirlwind. His face, his hair, his gorgeous eyes, his lips, oh his lips! They were just taunting me; I had to look away before they hypnotized me.

His smell was drawing me in, and I found myself leaning into him without even meaning to.

"Ryker" he whispered, and I darted my eyes to his before looking away. I couldn't handle looking into his eyes, it would paralyze me and make my insides explode.

I couldn't handle looking at any part of him, he was making my insides churn and flip around.

"Ry," he said, and I peered up at him. I nearly whimpered, his glance was intimidating me in the best way. I felt so small and weak, helpless against him, but strangely, I didn't mind so much with him.

There were worse things than being powerless against Ronnie Radke, that much I knew.

"Ry," he whispered, and this time when I looked up, I saw that his face had gotten even closer to me. He took a hand and put it under my chin, holding it up so I couldn't look away.

I looked into his deep brown eyes, terrified, dazzled, and so intoxicated by him that I could hardly stand it.

"Ry, can I kiss you?" he asked, biting his lip. And that single question, paired with that single action, threw me overboard.

I nodded a very faint nod, blushing profusely. I took a deep breath, trying to calm my crazed heart, as Ronnie leaned even closer.

He caressed my cheek with his thumb, and looked into my eyes one more time before softly laying his lips on mine.

The feeling, it was so amazing, so fantastical; it was such a blissful feeling. I moved a shy hand to his neck, moving my fingers softly, unsure what to do.

I could hardly manage to stay sitting up with his kiss throwing me into ecstasy, how was I supposed to focus on returning the favor to him?

Ronnie moved his body so that it was completely facing me. I nearly whimpered at the ecstatic fear of it all.

I can't believe I'm doing this! I shouldn't be doing this! And yet, I had already started, and I really had no desire whatsoever to stop it, not at all.

I took both my hands, laid them on his neck, and started playing with his hair. Ronnie kept both his hands up, holding my face with one and caressing my neck with the other.

Then, I pulled his hair, and he made a strange, deep, throaty sound and leaned farther into me, laying me back on the bed.

I guess I did something that he liked, cause then he was kissing me harder and it was scary-an exciting scary, like when you go on an adventure.

It felt kind of nice so I decided that I liked it and I kept pulling on his hair, tugging at it, and he kept kissing me harder and harder and I kept tugging.

Then I pulled on his hair again, and this time his tongue darted out of his lips and he licked my lips and my heart stopped and I lay completely still. I couldn't do anything, I was in such an overload of feelings that I couldn't even manage to move.

Ronnie felt it, and he rolled off of me and sat up. "I'm sorry, I got carried away!" he apologized, looking at me. I lay still, and then I could breath again and I started gasping and I looked up at him and couldn't help the smile I gave him.

I was blushing, panting, and I smiled, licking my lips and reliving that moment.

I think it was the best moment of my life.

Ronnie seemed to realize that it was okay, and he grinned back at me. I sat up, and then, out of nowhere, I just hugged him. I don't even know why, maybe it was to thank him, or maybe it was to say goodbye, or maybe it was something else entirely.

I would never know.

**I am not saying that killing yourself is a good option, I am merely letting you guys see deeper into Ryker's character. Her life gets taken from her, she is sexually and physically abused by a certain someone, she tried to get help and she just got rejected and forced into even more supposedly 'helpful' psychotherapy. Her family abandoned her. She's in love with a rockstar, she's scared to get close to him, and when he had a girlfriend it really hurt her.

She has really bad abandonment and trust issues, she is severely depressed, she is heavily experimenting with various types of eating disorders, and she feels so trapped that she thinks death is the only way out. None of these things are romantic or beautiful, or good, that's not what I'm trying to say by writing it like that. I'm just trying to show you how she feels.

I love you all, and I'm serious, if any of you have eating disorders, are suicidal, self harm, or are even just contemplating doing any of the above things, or just want to talk, you can talk to me. I understand more than you think. Stay strong and stay strange <3 **