The Drug In Me (Ronnie Radke Love Story)

Losing It

What the fuck was going on? What the actual fuck! What did this little shit think he was gonna accomplish from this? I don't understand......why was he doing this?

Just when it had become familiar, and, I can't believe I'm saying this, but, comfortable, now he just has to be a fucking wanker and change it up.

What was I supposed to do? If this was a test, didn't I at least get a hint? A fucking guideline? Rules? I needed to know what I was supposed to do!

How could I protect Ronnie and the others if I didn't know what to do? What if I did something wrong, what if I fucked up and then they would pay for it? How could I keep them safe?

It was strange, all my life I've only had to look out for myself, it was just me myself and I, against the big, cruel world.

And now I don't even care about my safety, I just want to make sure my friends were safe. I couldn't let them get hurt, especially not because of me.

I kicked the leaves underneath my feet, upturning the earth in frustration. "WHAT DO YOU WANT?!!" I screamed, my harsh voice echoing through the woods. No response, of course. "WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?" I yelled, spinning around, searching for anything to hint that the woods weren't empty.

"WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO? WHAT SHOULD I DO" I screamed, falling into despair. I fell to the ground, crying, and my fingers dug into the soft earth.

I clenched my fists, closing them, digging them into the soil. I could do this. I would do this. I would keep them safe. I would. I could. I had to.

But what was I to do?

Get up. Put a smile on your face. Hide the pain. Hide the proof. Pretend everything is ok. Stay isolated, the closer someone is to you, the closer they are to Him. Keep them away, push them all away. It's what you must do.

I stood, shaking myself off, brushing the dirt from my knees. I started walking, with the sun rising behind me.

I could see the darkness being chased away by the light, the fullness of the dark fading away into shadows, waiting to lurk and creep back up when night came.

I saw the buses, heard the screams of fans, I could hear the stages being set up, I could hear the barriers being pushed against as fans tried desperately to reach their idols.

I heard if, and it reminded me of how much I didn't belong anymore. I wanted to belong, wanted to be so happy, like the fans meeting their favorite bands, but I couldn't.

I couldn't, because the truth was, even meeting Ronnie and Falling In Reverse couldn't chase away the sadness that ate away my insides, even meeting them couldn't chase away the dark thoughts. Especially not when I had Him to worry about.

I had gone my whole life thinking that if I could just meet Ronnie and Ryan and Ron and Jacky, then everything would be ok.

But I was wrong. It wasn't okay, and I sure as hell wasn't either. I was broken, I was battered, I was hurting, and I was fucking alone. I felt so trapped, so alone, so messed up. And I knew no one could fix it.

No one could fix me, because they'd just get broken in the process, and I'd still be broken. I couldn't be fixed. I couldn't be helped.

I hid in the tree line for a while, looking at everyone, watching them so happy, so ecstatic.

I was jealous of them, for sure, but I was also insanely glad that they were happy. Cause they deserved to be happy, they deserved to smile, to laugh, to giggle. And I, well, I didn't.

Eventually, I stepped out a little, hesitantly walking back. There was so much ruckus going in my head, how could I deal with all the commotion At Warped when I could hardly hear through my own thoughts?

I waded through the clearing, slowly dragging myself closer to the hectic joy of Warped Tour. Maybe I'd catch a concert later tonight, if I had enough time.

I just had to stop thinking about it, but how could I? I couldn't just overlook that He hadn't showed up for 2 days. How could I? It was all I could think about.

That is, until I looked up to see Ronnie staring at me. Then I started thinking about all that had happened with him.

I quickly averted my eyes and hurried on my way, nearly making it to the merch tent. But he got to me before I could jump the barricade and get to work.

He grabbed my arm gently, pulling me back. But the fans waiting in line noticed him and lunged at him, grabbing him and pulling him.

I wanted to run away, this was probably the only chance I had at escaping, but I couldn't just leave him to get mauled.

I grabbed his arm and tugged. I wasn't much use with how small and frail I was nowadays, but eventually I got him out, with the help of the more sensible fans.

His shirt was totally ripped up, barely even staying on him. I kinda wanted to laugh, so I did.

Ronnie rolled his eyes, but I saw the grin on his face as he tugged me away from the fans grabs.

"Are you okay?" he asked me, peeking at my face. I sighed and flipped my hair out of my face, showing him the lack of new injuries.

"Did he hit you somewhere else?" Ronnie asked, curiously reaching for my shirt. I smacked his hand and backed up.

"No....." I said, biting my lip. I was scared as hell, what did this all mean?

"He - he hasn't shown up for 2 days....." I mumbled, my hands shaking.

"Oh, that's great!" Ronnie exclaimed, smiling so sweetly at me. I couldn't just ruin his happiness, and besides, maybe this would get him off my back about telling him who it was.

"Yeah.." I said, feigning a happy tone.

"I'm so glad, you're safe now" he said, pulling me into a hug.

I hugged him back against my better judgement. He felt warm, and nice against my cold, weak body. I could feel his muscles through the shirt, and it made me miss my own muscles. But they were gone now.

And as I hugged him, I thought about what he said. 'you're safe now'.. I wasn't so sure. Maybe I was safe, but not for long I'm sure.

I was safe, for now.

So why did I feel more uneasy than when He showed up?