The Drug In Me (Ronnie Radke Love Story)

Rejecting Love

*song for this chapter, if y'all wanna listen while you read, is Shattered by Trading Yesterday. Great, beautiful, and sad song*

I walked back to the bus, unaware of the person stalking me, camera clicking, taking pictures of me. I limped, wincing with every step I took. It was a long walk, and I felt like I was gonna pass out any second, my head was dizzy and my stomach was uneasy. Every part of me hurt, no where was pain free. My thighs throbbed, my boobs were still burning from his harsh, groping hands.

I don't know how much longer I'd be able to hold out before collapsing. Someone would find out eventually. I rushed to my bunk, grabbing some clothes and speeding to the bathroom.

The door locked behind me and I stripped, turning on the water and stepping in. The water burned even on the coldest setting, and I shivered as I scrubbed myself raw.

When my skin was pink and bloody, I turned off the water and grabbed a towel. I frowned at my bleeding body; I'd gone through so many towels, I'd have to start finding a place to wash them cause I couldn't afford to lose any more.

I patted myself down softly, but even then every touch made my brain cloudy and my skin pang in pain. How could I keep doing this?

I put on a black, long sleeved gothic style dress with chains and buckles, then pulled on some soft leggings and looked at myself in the mirror. It was no good, you could still see the bruises across my collar bones, and my throat was still red and blue from His chokehold.

I sighed and opened the door softly, peeking out. Seeing nobody, I hunched my shoulders and ran for it. I grabbed a skull scarf from my bunk and wrapped it around my neck until nothing was visible except the fading bruise on my jawbone.

I put on some shades to cover the slash on my nose from his fist, and walked outside. Nobody looks my way, and I don't look anybody's way, it works.

I was almost to the tent when I felt a hand grip my arm and pull me to the side. I cry in pain and fall into someone's hard chest. "Woah, sorry, wow..." a voice said, and I looked up to see Ronnie.

"Ah! I mean, uh, what are you doing Ronnie?"

He looked me up and down and said "come on Ry," my heart fluttered, "you've got to tell me what's happened. You're so thin, and, well, weak?" I bit my lip, trying to think of an answer that would make him leave me alone.

A camera clicked secretly, unbeknownst to us.

"I, err, just don't have much time to exercise" I said, happy my scarf and sunglasses were still in place.

"Oh come on, we're not working you that hard, are we? Hey, what's that on your jaw?" he asked, taking a finger to my face and turning my head to peer at my jaw. The bruise!

"Oh, heh, I err, got into a fight. You know how I get when people insult my bands and stuff" I said quickly, trying to sound nonchalant and casual.

"Hmm, looks kinda bad" he said, running his thumb over it.

"It's fine" I snapped at him, wincing and leaning away from him.

"Hey, I'm sorry, hey come back" he said, pulling me back towards him as I turned to leave. "Are you alright?" he asked me, leaning his head close to me.

My face flushed and my heart and stomach fluttered painfully. "Im fine. I'm sure Daisy is wondering where you are, you should probably go find her" I said. I hadn't seen her for a while, actually...

"Oh that bitch? She just wanted fame, we broke up weeks ago. She wasn't very nice or fun, always squealing and talking about people" he said carelessly.

Yeah, she especially loved talking about me, I added in my head.

"Oh.....I'm sorry" I said, my stomach wriggling and my heartbeat increasing. He was single, and he was awfully close to me.

"Hmm, I never liked her anyways. I liked someone else, I just didn't know how to tell them" he said, staring at me.

My heart dropped, and I said "ooh, well now you can get them", slumping slightly. I still didn't have a chance with him, and besides, I couldn't get close to anyone with Him around. It was better this way.

"Yeah, I guess I can, if she still wants me" he said, stepping even closer.

Still? He was with her before? Who is he-? Is he....does he like...me? No, that's impossible, he'd never like me, why would he? And yet, here he was, so close, so very close to me.

"Ry, can I-" Ronnie started, but then he decided against talking and just pulled me against him. I squeaked at the movement, falling onto his chest.

My eyes went wide and I looked up at him just in time to feel his lips against mine, moving, touching, parting my lips and dancing against them. He was kissing me. Ronnie was kissing me. He was fucking.......what? This is not happening, it can't be.

I started to kiss back but then I felt eyes on me, and I remembered. Remembered who I was, what I was, and who He was. I pulled away, shaking my head, feeling myself starting to hyperventilate.

"No Ronnie, I can't, we can't, no, just no" I panted, turning my back and running away. As I stumbled away from him, he looked at me perturbed, and disappointed.

Tears welled up in my eyes and poured down as I walked away from him. What was with me? Did the world just love to torture me so much that it just did all this stuff just to amuse itself? I've forgotten what it felt like to just be happy, not scared or sad or upset or worried or anything.

I've lost who I am, and I can't understand, why my heart is so broken rejecting his love. What's gone wrong? Wasted years, wasted days, and this wars not over, far from it. So why do I feel like this?

I want to go back and let Ronnie kiss me, hold me, love me, but if I do that then Ronnie would most definitely, without a doubt be hurt. Hell, He might even kill him! I can't do that, I couldn't live with myself if I caused Ronnie to be killed, I just couldn't.

So I had to hurt Ronnie in order to keep him from getting hurt.