Matters | JENSOO

You matter the most

"We're here." Jennie said. She parked the car. They walked towards the river bank in silence. Jennie had always enjoyed walking side by side with Jisoo like this. Jisoo led her to the river bank, she picked a quiet place where they could hear the wind blows. This time they sat facing to the river.

Jennie looked to the distance beyond the water. The silence took her back to Sunday morning. Her chest was aching. It still hurts.

She felt Jisoo's eyes landed on her. She got used to it; she got used to the feeling of not knowing what Jisoo's thinking while she's looking at her. She turned her head to Jisoo and she was surprised that this time, Jisoo let Jennie to read her expression. It was the same expression Jisoo gave when she was delirious and begging Jennie not to walk away from her.

Jisoo looked defeated.

                    ***

Jennie stared at her patiently. Seemed like it was hard for Jisoo to say what she wanted to say.

"When I said it doesn't matter, Jennie... I was lying. It actually matters the most." Jisoo finally said. Her voice was breaking, she didn't hold back, she wouldn't want to hold back.

Jennie was stunned, there was so much intensity in her words. She stayed silent, wanting to hear things she needed to hear from Jisoo.

"I was scared." Letting the hard words escaped from her mouth, Jisoo sat with a downcast eyes and paused, "I was scared to be nobody again for the second time... when things we did during this summer matter so much to me, they were getting into my head... to the point I couldn't help myself but to think... maybe I'm not a nobody to you after all."

Jennie felt heaviness in her chest, crushed by the sight of this Jisoo.

"But how do I know? I was wrong back then... I am probably wrong for the second time. I was so confused. We went everywhere together, you came to help me with the move in. And you... called my dad as father. I thought maybe I am not just a driver to you. But what if I am wrong again? It was driving me crazy."

Tears fell down from Jennie's face, she didn't have any idea about the inner conflict Jisoo had with herself.

"Please don't cry..." Jisoo begged, she reached out to Jennie to wipe her tears but then she stopped herself from touching her.

Jennie wiped her tears, she kept looking at Jisoo.

"And for those reasons, I hurt you." Jisoo added, her tone came with self-loathing, "I tried to protect myself... from you. From wanting you."

"I thought... by saying out loud that it all doesn't matter, my heart would obey my words. But actually, I was devastated."

There was a long silence. All they could hear was the sound of water caressing the river bank. It wasn't comforting at all.

"I know I hurt you, Jennie. Again. After last year. And for that, I apologize." She stopped and gathered her strength, "I also apologize for wanting."

"You said you didn't want." Jennie finally spoke. Her voice came weak.

"Excuse me?"

"That night. You said you didn't  want me." Jennie finally told Jisoo what happened last year at the basecamp.

Jisoo thought about it. All she could remember was she wanted Jennie so badly that night that she had to push herself away from Jennie.

"That must be a misunderstanding."

"So... you didn't mean what you said?"

"I wanted the opposite." Jisoo stopped herself there, but Jennie understood clearly what she meant. And suddenly she could feel her heart alive again for it was now beating faster.