Matters | JENSOO

Jisoo's thought: A Lesson In Vulnerability

She got herself a girlfriend tonight.

Her name is Jennie Kim.

The sight of the girl alone excruciated her body like an addiction; the thought of her tortured her mind like a love song.

She felt giddy. She felt shy. She wanted to touch. She wanted to kiss. And she was ashamed of all the thoughts rushing around in her usually orderly and pragmatic brain.

What now? What can I do now to her?

Everything about this girl came as a surprise, Jisoo wondered why. Not the type of girl she had planned to fall for; and definitely not the proposal she had in mind.

The girl deserved some flowers at least, fancy food on a fine table for two. Some words of affirmation, some more jewelry she could barely afford.

But instead, here they were. Parking in front of 7-eleven to get some late dinner, soggy sandwiches in their hands. Jennie Kim, the heir of JNK, was all laughing like she used to this two-dollar food.

She looked happy. She looked content. She looked relieved.

She was too easy and it was a pity.

It was always the battle of wanting and letting go. Of being someone enough and admitting that she wasn't ever gonna be enough. But Jennie was a forest fire and Jisoo was just a fool who deliberately fell into the girl's charm. She had fallen over and over and over and this time she made it utterly clear: she loved her. She said it three times while Jennie hadn't said it back.

For the first time in her life, Jisoo improvised. She felt disoriented and somehow lost control. All her life, she taught herself to stay grounded. Her life choices had always been typical and conventional. She was so good in self-control that she barely wanted anything good to come into her life.

At one point after this Jennie saga, she told herself to get sober. To be grounded, to be realistic. She thought she needed to let her go; that this was as far as she could go.

Until the birthday girl came storming into her tiny little shelter and frantically begged her to love her. It was a call to leave her mundane life and embrace the uncertainty.

It was indeed scary: the journey to the uncertainty. Jisoo was a fool at heart but her mind could do the calculation just fine. She knew what it meant to let Jennie in. She witnessed the struggles her father went through and she was perfectly aware of how this had shaped her as a person.

But this time; unlike those lunch boxes little Jisoo struggled to prepare; or those summer jobs that took her youth away; those scholarship competitions that haunted her every semester; and those days growing up and figuring things out all by herself; this time, she wouldn't need to face it alone. The birthday girl, despite all her tears and quavering voice, had made it clear that she would be by her side. And her offer was the only strength Jisoo never knew she needed to break free from the jail of her childhood wounds; and probably to heal along the way.

She looked at the girl adoringly. Jennie might not fully grasp it, but Jisoo indeed admired her vulnerability. It was where the girl's strength lied. Isn't it what C.S. Lewis said? 'To love at all is to be vulnerable'. That we cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known.

She took the chance. This is her story and she wanted to live courageously. Just like the girl she adored, she wanted to love when she loved.