life goes on (completed)

i wasn't ready to say goodbye

Pam's POV

I slowly opened my eyes as I felt warmth right beside me. Why am I awake? This can't be happening right now. I can't be alive. I turned my head to Fergal laying next to me. No. I didn't even get to say goodbye to the kids.

"No! No, I can't be alive. No!"

I yelled as I moved away from Fergal. He opened his eyes and instantly woke up once he saw me awake.

"Pam! You're alive!"

Fergal said as he hugged me. I quickly pushed him away, got out of bed, and started pacing.

"No! I'm suppose to be dead! I'm suppose to be with my kids. Why do I have to keep living this damn nightmare over and over again?"

I sobbed as I continued pacing.

"Pam, it's okay. Calm down."

Fergal said.

"You! You couldn't just let me fucking be! And quit saying that you fucking love me! You don't! You never have and you never will. Once I get out of here...I'm going back to San Jose. But I won't kill myself this time. I'll get Aaron to do it. I'll go back to Aaron. And you won't save me this time. But...it's not like you saved me last time either."

"Pam, stop holding that over my head!"

"Never! My baby is dead because of you. Carter is dead because of you Fergal Devitt. And my death will be because of you too. I'm determined to make you hurt like you made me hurt. Just you fucking wait."

I said as I wiped away my tears. Fergal looked at me with pure disbelief. But it's the truth. And I can't wait to make him hurt like I am.