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❄ ATLANTIA | CASSIE ❄

Title: ATLANTIA: Rise Of Rebellion
Author: Yanzieyy
Reviewer: FmEver

Title 10/10: The title is very interesting, the meaning is clear, and after chapters 3 and 4, I could understand why you chose it.

Cover 9/10: The cover is beautiful and impressive. However, I couldn't read the small phrases at the left and right of the person. Also, the "cover by..." is too small. The font of the title is great.

Blurb 8/10: The blurb is mysterious and intriguing. Shorter than my liking, but it works. You introduce the world, the protagonist, and the main conflict. I felt that the second paragraph starts abruptly, and it seems that it doesn't have any connection with the previous paragraph. I suggest connecting the two events (the wizard ruling and the boy crossing the worlds).

Plot and Flow 6/10:

Your talent and your writing skills were obvious from the first paragraph of the prologue. The prologue is well-written, I didn't find any mistakes, I liked the flow and the vibe of the prologue. However, I'm not sure if I needed to read it. I had to read it twice to understand it better. Your descriptions were great, but the lack of details about the characters was confusing. I had read the blurb already, and I thought that maybe the "he" was the boy, but it could be someone else too. If you choose to keep the prologue, I think the last part should be clearer.

The second chapter dragged too long, and there was a lot of telling. The second chapter could be shorter and added to the third. The first was okay, but there was a lot of telling. Don't talk about David and his abilities, show them. Show how he feels, show how good he is with a scene or a remark from someone else, don't spoon-feed your readers.

In chapter three, the more the scene unfolded, the more David's emotions were realistic but you could add more surprise, fear, or annoyance.

The story of the three kingdoms and how everything happened was interesting and I loved that you used dialogues to explain and didn't use narration for that.

The pace was okay, but it could be faster. I strongly believe that chapters 2 and 3 should be one chapter after you rephrase or avoid some of the descriptions.

Character development 5/10:

I think that your two characters don't have a unique voice. If I read it without knowing who was speaking, I wouldn't see a difference. I believe that the vocabulary you use is mainly the problem. One would expect that David, a boy with no experience and young age, would use simpler words and a more carefree style.

With that being said, David doesn't have a unique trait that makes him stand out from other protagonists. You need to find something to make him memorable. Be it the way he speaks (as long as he has a different voice from other important characters), the way he thinks or acts (work on that because so far there was so much dialogue and so little reaction from David.)

Maybe he's not scared because he has a wild imagination and he always wanted to meet magical creatures, or his background is so terrible that he just wants to escape. So far, we know he has a mother, he's good at football, and has a trophy collection. But is that enough? Think about yourself or other people in your close circle. Don't people have something that makes them stand out? I don't know what you'll come up with, but I trust you, and I believe you'll make it work.

Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling/Vocabulary 7/10:

The vocabulary was excellent but maybe too sophisticated sometimes.

This phrase in chapter three caught my attention: "His clothes and weapon all looked very realistic."? He wears a dark robe and an arrow. I wouldn't call it realistic.

Check this in chapter four "He felt his effort...for hours!" These two paragraphs felt stiff. The sentences didn't flow, and it felt as if you had some ideas and decided to put those sentences together. I think this is a problem in a lot of chapters. You need to connect your sentences better. And try avoiding putting so many short sentences one after another. I'll put a link to an article with examples about this in an inline comment.

I would double-check the dialogue tags because I think you used too many "said" in chapter 4, so you might want to have a greater variety. I choose "said" a lot too, but sometimes the dialogue tags add to the character and their emotions.

Creativity/Originality 8/10:

I haven't read anything like your story, and I like the idea with the emperor and the boy that travels to another dimension, but I can't stop myself from thinking "why?"

I'd like to read more and see the reason behind this because you need a good enough reason. The best characters are the ones that are complex and realistic, and part of that is to figure out a realistic and good reason for why David is the special one that travels between dimensions.

Genre relevance: 10/10

This book belongs to the fantasy genre and I wouldn't put it nowhere else. The writer knows what they are writing.

Reader enjoyment and Communication with the readers 7/10:

I enjoyed reading this story and I think I would be back if it was edited. I believe the writer could reply to more of the readers' comments. It's important to show that you care about your readers' opinions.

Overall 70/100:

This is a story I'd like to keep reading. You need to work on your characters and in the "show, don't tell technique." I suggest reading your dialogues aloud and trying to imagine the scene in your head as if you were one of the characters to check the body language and the facial expressions.

I believe your story has a lot of potential and that if you fix those two things, it can be a great story.

You are talented, that was clear to me, but talent isn't enough. You also need to work hard, but you've given me the impression of someone who wants to improve himself. I wish you the best, and I hope I helped you with my comments. 

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