SCRIPTURIENT REVIEWS | OPEN

❄ STARLIGHT | SILVER ❄

Reviewer: PeterPan2210
Reviewee: formyangel5
Story reviewed: Starlight
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                    Overall comments:
The plot compensates for just how rough of a draft it is. I’d like it a bit better if you polished your content and grammar.
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Cover:
8/10
It’s visibility is fine but it looks more like a concert poster than a book cover. Try to ask your cover maker for a manip or blend style cover (in case you make your own covers then you may take this advice)

Title:
10/10
I liked it. Your story revolves around Starlight and that’s your title too, makes perfect sense.

Description
10/10
It’s good enough to attract readers for sure.

Basic plot:
10/10
Tbh, I loved the world building the most. An alternate dimension sounds pretty cool, especially when the alternate dimension is based on myths on earth. Like angels and gods and demons and in the alternate dimension, that’s all real there but not on Earth. It’s cool.

Content:
6.5/10
It’s good but not exceptionally good. I liked that you maintained the boys' characters. So their personalities are consistent from what we know of them in real life and that’s great because that’s what fanfiction is about. Most people warp personalities and ruin the entire character image, you didn’t do that and that’s great.

Secondly, as I’ve already said, your world building was pretty great. That’s what lured me in the most.

Thirdly, the more “intimate" scenes in your book are well written. Like the kiss scenes and stuff.

But my problem with your content is that for some reason your writing, the narration part, sounds really monotonous at times. Like it’s not really going to build up to anything and it’s just a filler paragraph.

And at times it sounds really casual. I suggest not using casual language anywhere. If ‘Yeah’ is spelled with y, e, a and h, don’t convert it into text language and use substitutes like ‘Ye' or ‘yeh' and stuff. You’ve done this a lot of times. I suggest not doing it because it makes your narration sound casual and insincere.

Find a middle ground.

Also the particular detail where Mahalaxmi's father calls her “my mother", I want you to give an explanation of that through the chapter itself. Calling your daughter, your mother isn’t the most common thing in the world. So I want you to explain that in the chapter itself, maybe Taehyung asks the same question as I did, “Mother?” and then Maha's father explains the exact thing to him that you did me.

Another issue is your word usage. At one point, and I think I’ve marked it, you’ve written:

“She rammed"

What do you mean by rammed here? Ram means to hit something or run into into something with great force.

Like, I could say, “I rammed into the door to break it open.”

So, it’s not Rammed, it should be Rambled.

Another word was:

“He bragged into the room" or something of the sort.

It’s not bragged, it’s barged. To brag means to show off, to gloat. To barge is to enter/move forcefully.

You need to understand the meaning of your words when you write them. If you’re not entirely sure what they mean, don’t bother using them. Use easier substitutes.

Remember: If your plot is good, which it is, no one is going to look for vocabulary. In fact some of my favorite book have the simplest vocabularies.

Be careful because you’ve actually done it quite a lot of times. I haven’t marked all of those for you but I suggest you have the book edited and specifically mention to the editors to check your word usage and contextual accuracy.

Pace + Sequence:
7.5/10
It was a bit slow. I skipped 3 chapters to check where I’d reach by then because I’m an impatient little piece of- nevermind that- and I realized that I hadn’t skipped by much. Since your chapters are already quite short, I understand that you’ll take time building a pace but to remedy that, I suggest increasing the length of your chapters.

The problem with the sequencing was the “I love you" part. Too soon. No one says “I love you" that fast even with a bond between them. And no one gives off their daughter that easily. It’s just unrealistic.

I would ask you to add more scenes to build up to the “giving away our daughter" scene whenever you next edit the book again. Add scenes that show that the parents could trust  Taehyung to take care of their daughter.

Build up to the “I love you" scene by giving us better moments between the two, moments of trust, moments of understanding. It just doesn’t make sense for someone to fall in love with someone you just met even if you have a supernatural bond with them.

As Elsa once said, “You can’t marry a man you just met!”

But again, that’s just what I think.

Grammar + Punctuation + Tense:
6/10
Too many grammar mistakes, lack of proper Punctuation. 

Structuring/Tone + Voice
9.5/10
This was fine. Flow was fine too. Bit awkward at certain points but fine otherwise.

Originality:
9.5/10
0.5 off because the “You’re an angel and I’m your mate" is an overused trope.

Reader enjoyment
7/10
I enjoyed it.

Overall score:
84/100
Good job but there's a lot of scope for improvement.

Thank you for choosing me.
Please rate this review on a scale of 5 based on how useful it was and suggest improvements, if any.