SCRIPTURIENT REVIEWS | OPEN

❄ THE CLOSETED WALLFLOWER | SILVER ❄

Reviewer: PeterPan2210
Reviewee: sarcastic-mess
Story reviewed: The closeted wallflower
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                  Overall comments

The story was beautiful, although simple. I liked it a lot as it catches the essence of the dilemma of having to choose between a traditionalist, conservative family and your own unique personality.
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Cover:
10/10

The visibility is good. The girl is wearing a rainbow sweater and there’s open sky above. I’m not sure if it was intentional but it was a great symbolism for the tag “free the lgbt"

Title:
10/10

The title captures the very basic plot of your story, that being that the protagonist is ‘closeted'. The wallflower part is a personality trait, which again is a great addition. Plus the word wallflower makes me think of the book “the perks of being a wallflower" which was admittedly the reason why it piqued my interest in the first place.

Description:
9/10

Could be a typo but you’ve repeated ‘in their town' twice in your description.
You’ve written, “Either Cass joins the pride parade held in their town every year in their town and comes out of the closet...”

The statement should be  “Either Cass joins the pride parade held in their town every year and comes out of the closet...”

Also, there’s this line that says, “Cass is caught in a fury…”
It’s not fury, it’s flurry. Like a flurry of snow, like a mini storm. Fury is anger. Flurry is somewhat of a tiny whirlwind. You know like McDonald’s Oreo McFlurry?

Basic plot:
9/10

The plot was exactly what I expected. Most lgbt wattpad stories have the same plot as yours. But the plot itself is very good so being reused over and over again sounds inevitable anyway. So a 9. But one off because the plot is overused.

Content:
6.8/10

The content was also exactly what I expected. The same old stuff written in the same old way.

What you also missed out on were your descriptions. Those descriptions that could’ve hit me with the feels. I wasn’t hit with feels. The descriptions weren’t exactly bland but the food lacked salt, food being your descriptions and salt being the extra quirkiness you could’ve added to it.

For example, you’ve written, “In a game called life, I gave my heart to Lydia Coleman..”

This would make more sense if, instead of heart, you would've said something more game-y like say with reference to card games.

So the new statement would be, “In the game of life, I'd folded all my aces and queens at the mercy of Lydia Coleman…”
If you lay all your aces and queens at the mercy of your opponent in a card game, like if you fold despite having the best cards, you lose.

Or something humorous, “In the game called life, I’d taken all her skips and given her all my +4s"
So since you've given her your +4s, at any point in time she could crush you with the +4 and you would lose the game. An UNO reference.
So basically a game reference just for comic relief.

Hope you understand what I mean.

Another point to be mentioned is that you used the word sadist at a certain point. I think the usage of sadist there is incorrect. Sadist is someone who gains pleasure from someone else's pain or humiliation. Usually a word used to depict either a psychpath/sociopath and/or a BDSM relationship. I think what you meant there was, “Selfish" and not sadistic. So correct that.

You’ve used quite a few words like that.
This is exactly why I usually suggest using the more simple form of prose, instead of one laden with fancy words.
So for me the content wasn’t exactly nice, satisfactory yes, but not quite as impactful as I expected it to be.

Pace + Sequence:
10/10

It was a short story, the pace is a moot point anyway.
The sequencing of the scenes however did matter and that was great.

Grammar + Punctuation:
8.2/10

Quite a lot of grammar mistakes. A few incorrectly used punctuations.

Structuring/Tone + Voice + Tense:
9.5/10

All fine except for a few very tiny tense mistakes.

Originality:
5/10

Honestly, it  was the same old-same old plot. Closeted girl scared of coming out to her parents because they might disown her so it’s her family or her prospective girlfriend. Chooses the girlfriend but doesn’t exactly choose because technically she sneaks out of the house under the pretense of a girls' night out. Parents see her, have a change of heart because they used to have another lgbt member in the family etc.

I’m a Drarry fanfiction reader too. This plot is basically what I read every single day. It’s a part of my routine.

The writing style wasn’t very distinctive and the content was pretty much the same thing I read everyday. So for me it was, albeit well executed, but a cliché nevertheless.

Reader enjoyment:
8/10

Overall score:
85.5/10

Thank you for choosing me.
Please rate this review on a scale of 5 depending on how useful it was and suggest improvements, if any.