SCRIPTURIENT REVIEWS | OPEN

❄ BUMPER CARS | SILVER ❄

Reviewer: PeterPan2210
Reviewee: bookowl1234
Story Reviewed: Bumper Cars
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                Overall Comments
The plot line was okay. Was cute but can be improved a bit. Right now, it's a bit slow
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Cover:

7.5/10

It's okay but I think you need to change it a bit because your subtitle is kinda not visible, so that's what you need to change methinks (pardon me for informality, I'm not in the mood to be formal today).

Description:

9.5/10

Good job. It's accurate and ngl, it drew me in. I love myself some strong female characters **chef's kiss**

Basic Plot:

6.5/10

• Clichéd.

Because: Girl with mommy issues because her mommy is a drunkard and depressed and greedy. Shifts to new school. Some guy spills coffee on her and is also a complete flirt. I've read the coffee scene in so many wattpad books, I could write a parody about how all the Starbucks coffees are bought by the authors to give to their male characters to spill. Imagine the gallons of coffee that's being wasted.

• Also how can a 17 year old legally manage anything? That's not allowed and the papers can't be signed under her name. The law says any minor handling a business needs to have a guardian under whose name the business is signed. Minors can only operate the business indirectly. They can take decisions and be the subjugate, kind of like an understudy in a play, like a subjugate to a king or like a crown prince who takes decisions even though his mother is the official ruler after the King's death. You've written that the papers are signed under her name. Even in a will, if a father decides to transfer all assets to his children's name, he needs to assign a temporary guardian until his children turn 18. So it's a technical error on your part and I suggest you correct that.

Moreover, if the papers aren't signed under her name, you get more room to work with to make her mother or someone else seem even more villainous.

• I see nothing with regards to overall plot formation. I don't see an ultimate sequence to your ideas.

• And you keep introducing new characters. It's confusing because I have certain goldfish tendencies. Don't introduce so many characters.

Grammar + Punctuation:

7.5/10

There were a fair few grammatical mistakes. Plus I felt that, at certain places, the punctuations were ill placed too. Read it over. Should be easy enough to find.

Note: I saw one or two wrong spellings too. Can't remember which ones though.

Structuring/Tone + Voice + Tense:

6.5/10

First person point of view, as I've always said, try to avoid. Plus you were trying to write in one Tense, but kept mixing it. I noticed it in the first few chapters and then sometimes in the last few chapters too. So yes, there was some Tense confusion on your part.

The voice was fine. The flow was fine.

Btw, you've used casual words like "cause" at certain places. You've used it sometimes in first person narrator and in first person conversation dialouges too. Now I get that it's probably to show your character's way of conversing with others but in that case, you should write it like this:

"I don't trust anyone else to drive me anywhere", I was worried I'd have to repeat it 'cause my voice was really low.

You see that tiny apostrophe mark before cause? That's to indicate the presence of an unwritten "be" before cause. That's how the apostrophes are used. Now for example, nowadays we usually say "ma'am" instead of madam. The apostrophe between the two a's in the former represents the presence of an unwritten "d". So yeah.

Overall Score:
37.5/50

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