SCRIPTURIENT REVIEWS | OPEN

❄ THE MIND OF A TIPSY TEENAGER | SILVER ❄

Reviewer: PeterPan2210
Reviewee: SushiiDew
Story reviewed: The mind of a tipsy teenager
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                 Overall comments

All your characters are so ambiguous, I couldn’t figure out whether they were good or were going to turn into half-crazed, obsessive mad men and women.

For me, that was the best part of the story because the ‘anticipation’ factor was running high the entire time I was reading it, which was the first 10 chapters.

This book definitely has a lot of potential.
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Cover:
8.8/10

The cover’s really nice, the visibility is good too (except for the author name, make that a tad bit bigger and in bold.)

What I have a problem with is the girl on the cover. Your character is a mixed race, brown curly haired, brown eyed girl, so use someone similar for face claim instead of a blonde with hazel/light brown eyes.

So ye, change the girl. I suggest using Zendaya or Amandla Stenberg for cover face claims.

Points to work on: Increase the size of the font and make it bold (just the Author’s name) and change the face claim on the cover to someone who resembles the physical attributes of your protagonist.

Title:
10/10

It’s interesting, should draw plenty of readers towards itself. It’s also low-key accurate as ‘the mind of tipsy teenager’ tends to forget everything that happened on the night they drank gallons of alcohol smh. And your story revolves around that too, a missing person/dead person after a party where said person's bestie was drunk and grinding on people on the dance floor.

I’d say it’s plenty accurate.

Description
9/10

It’s basically your plot and a short summary of everything that happens in the first 10 chapters.

It just has two issue. It’s not “The police confirm it as suicidal case…”

Instead it should be, “The police confirm it as a suicide…”

Also, it’s not “Taylor prepares to tackle the odds in getting to the bottom of this case" but “Taylor prepares to tackle the odds and get to the bottom of this case.”

That’s all.

Basic plot:
9/10

The basic plot is pretty cool, nothing much to say about that. A party and following that, the disappearance of a best friend, dead bestie, police doing what they do and calling it a suicide. Bestie is unsatisfied and goes on to try and find out what actually happened.

The plot is also pretty basic and nothing very new as such and therefore the 1 off.

Content:
7/10

Unsurprisingly good. The first chapter really had me thinking that they jumped off of a building. The descriptions were all quite original, not too much to impress me but still pretty good.

All the characters are low-key irritating but instead of seeing that as a flaw, I see it as an accomplishment. However, please tone it down with Taylor a bit. She’s overtly irritating and judgmental and honestly I could spent hours ranting about her. I’ve never hated a protagonist before and I pretty much hate her. I mean, bitchy has a limit. Being bitchy should also have a reason, she has none. She’s unreasonably bitchy to everyone. If you make a protagonist that irritating, it might put off certain readers (not me obviously, pretty clear from my furious commenting in the book). So, tone down the irritating factor of the protagonist.

Also, give her bestie (violet) more character in the first 10 chapters, you know some kind of scenes that really bring out certain parts of her personality. Give her personality. That’s the one character in your book that seems to lack personality and can only be characterized as the typical girl best friend with too many boyfriends.

She just acts as a sexy lamp for the first 10 chapters and then she dies. Make the people love her character if you’re planning on killing her later.

(Note: By a sexy lamp, I meant that you could replace her character with a lamp and it wouldn’t affect the story, so basically it means that she’s just on a constant standby mode until she dies and that’s the only dramatic part of her character. That she dies. Sexy lamp is an actual term feminists use to depict standby, no-role or personality type female characters in books or movies.)

Plus, although most of the content was fine, you need to cut back on certain sentences that you’ve used repeatedly in your prose.

For example, phrases like, ‘I know how cliché it is'. You’ve repeated this phrase over and over and over in the first 10 chapters to describe different scenes that classify as cliché. But really, you don’t need to.

We know the scene is clichéd, you know it’s clichéd, your character knows it's clichéd- You don’t need to turn it into a catchphrase of sorts by having your character repeat it in every remotely clichéd situation. Like you know how some things are just automatically implied and no one has to say it out loud like a monologue? Do that.

Another thing was the week/fortnight confusion but I'm pretty sure that's all cleared up.

The rest was fine.

Pace + Sequence:
9.5/10

It isn’t very fast luckily, didn’t seem like it to me at least. It’s properly spaced out.

The only weird thing was that Miss Taylor, who hates everything, was drunk dancing with the newbie, who she apparently hates too (even though that hate is unreasonable too). That didn’t seem very logical to me. Give them some more scenes before the drink-and-dance scene, Kay? That particular sequence is awkward and very out-of-the-blue otherwise.

Give them some sexual tension before that scene. Like when they run out from the food fight and stuff, make Zain say something that Taylor finds cute/caring but refuses to admit it and stuff.

Build it up with some scenes.

Grammar + Punctuation + Tense:
7.8/10

There were a few mistakes. The first mistake that surprised me was a ‘a/an’ mistake. You’ve used ‘a’ where there should’ve been an ‘an’. Those are the types of mistakes you’ve made.

There are a few missed punctuations too.

There are also a few tense mistakes where you’ve done the ‘is/was/has/has been/had/had been’ type mistakes. Go over those.

Structuring/Tone + Voice
9.8/10

This was fine. Make the narration part a bit more formal and organized.

Originality:
8.8/10

Although I haven’t read the entire book, it sounds low-key like a Netflix series plot. But it’s still fairly original.

Reader enjoyment
9.5/10

The protagonist was too irritating to handle. My blood was boiling, I was wrinkling my nose at every ‘I hate…’ phrase, the repetition of ‘I know it’s clichè’ and it’s derivatives were killing me.

But overall, I had fun.

Overall score:
89.2/100

Keep up the good work. I'll be reading the rest of the chapters too when I get time.

Also, I apologize for making you wait. I had a lot of stuff going on at school so I couldn't find the time and peace to read and review. Sowwy.

Thank you for choosing me.
Please rate this review on a scale of 5 based on how useful it was and suggest improvements, if any.