Castle's partner

Actions speak louder than words

Ryan pov.

I am sitting next to Ross just like I did when she was in the hospital. I wish I could do something to make her pain go away. I would take it all if I could. It makes me sad to see that she is in so much pain that she needs to feel more. I've seen dead bodies of teens that self harm, but it is not the same as seeing it on a living body of someone you love. She stirs, and her eyelids flutter open. She squints, trying to become adjusted to the light. She starts talking, but her voice is raspy, like she hasn't spoken in years.
"What happened? Where am I?"
I take a deep breath.
"You had a panic attack after Beckett and Lanie found out about your self-harm."
She sits up attentively.
"You couldn't breathe so Lanie knocked you out with a sedative." She slowly looks at me.
"I'm sorry," she whispers.
"For what?"
"You know what. I should have told you guys. I just can't handle the pain anymore. It's been two years since I lost everything I cared about. I have a wall now and nothing can break it down. And then on top of that when I was kidnapped and all these nightmares. Every time I close my eyes I am back in that room, or I see a dead body of one of my family members. I don't know what to do anymore. I bottle up all my pain and keep it inside until it is about to explode, and then I have no choice but to take it out on myself."
I cut her off, because that is so not true.
"You always have a choice Samantha. You can talk to me. Or Beckett or Espo or Castle or Lanie. You can hit me for all I care but just promise me you will stop."
"Ryan. You don't understand-"
"You're right. I don't. But I'm going to make you understand. For every cut you make, I'll make two."
"Ryan! You can't do that!" She yells at me.
"Yes I can. I know it's the only way to get you to stop."
Her eyes flash at me, and I know she is pissed. But I don't care. As long as she stops it doesn't matter.
"Do you want to talk about anything?" I ask taking her hand. She avoids my gaze. I don't know what to say, and then I remember that actions speak louder than words. I roll up her sleeve slowly, and she tries to pull away. I look at all her cuts, and I know my face saddens. She stops struggling and watches what I'm doing. I gently move my thumb across each one, tracing them. Her eyes soften. My thumb stumbles across a newer cut, and she winces. I stop. I look up at her. There are tears in her eyes, but not from pain. I can tell it is from something else. Something I have never seen her cry from before. Grief. I take her hands again.
"Do you want me to stay?"
She nods, and moves over in the bed. I take my shoes off and get in next to her. She won't let go of my hand, so I don't either. She looks up at me and does something unexpected. She kisses me on the cheek.
"Goodnight Uncle Ryan." And then again. "I love you."
I am stunned. She rarely ever shows her love for people, and especially not me.
"Goodnight. I love you too."
She closes her eyes, and so do I.