Castle's partner

As We Do

I wake up to movement.

Oliver is thrashing around, and mumbling.

"No...no. Don't go..."

"Oliver, wake up it's just a dream."

His eyes fly open.

"Hey it's okay, it's just me."

He lays down, his body tense.

My hand is resting against his bare chest, and he holds me. His fingers play with a piece of my hair and he stares absentmindedly at the ceiling.

"Oliver, what're you thinking about?"

He blinks when I first speak, I'm not sure he knew I was awake still.

He sighs. "Just about how lucky I am. I have you."

"Okay but what are you really thinking about?"

He pauses.

"C'mon Oliver. I know you're lying."

"I was thinking about you. About how you deserve someone so much better than me and wondering why you chose me when you could have any guy you wanted. I'm scared you'll leave me."

"Oliver," I say gently, waiting for him to look at me.

But he doesn't.

"Ollie, look at me."

He slowly turns his head to look at me.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry for breaking up with you. I was just scared okay? But now I'm not as scared. I won't leave you, there's no one better for me out there. I love you."

Only now do I notice the tears in his eyes. He kisses me on the forehead.

"What was your dream about?"

"I don't wanna talk about it."

"Please?"

There is a pause.

"You. Cutting. And dying. And I can't save you." He chokes on his words.

He grips my hand hard and buries his face in my shoulder and starts crying.

"Hey, ssh, ssh. I'm not going anywhere."

It makes me feel so guilty to know he's having these dreams because of me. It's all my fault.

"I'm sorry," I whisper to him as he quiets. "I never meant to hurt anyone but myself."

He sits up slowly, and though it's still partly dark outside I can see him.

"Can I see your scars again?"

"No." I say adamantly.

"Please? I need to know you're okay."

I hold out my wrist which he takes gently and runs his fingers over. He kisses my skin, and I hesitantly I take his hands and guide them to my shirt.

He looks me in the eyes and I know he understands what I am doing.

I let go, and he takes my shirt off for me.

He runs his thumbs over the ugly words on my stomach, and I let out a breath.

He bends down and starts kissing them too.

"No more please," he says. "I already run out of breath kissing the ones you have."

I smile as he pulls my shirt back on, but I still see hurt in his eyes.

"I'm here Oliver, I'm okay. Let's go back to sleep."