Castle's partner

Phone Home

We spend the rest of the night creating a plan in case something happens to Ross. It makes me depressed, I don't want to think about any of this.

When midnight rolls around and she hasn't woken up, they decide to spend the night so they can be here when she does.

Castle and Ryan both phone home telling their families they won't be back for the night.

I pump up an inflatable mattress and offer my bedroom to Beckett. After a lot of insisting she finally accepts. Castle takes the third bedroom and Ryan takes the couch. I take the mattress next to the couch.

We turn out the lights, and soon it goes quiet, besides the usual New York bustle.

"Hey Espo?" My partner breaks the silence.

"Yo?"

"You know I'm always here for you right?"

"Shut up before I slap you."

"I'm serious."

Upon my realization that he actually is, I form a new question.

"Why are you telling me this?"

He pauses. "Seeing Ross like that, with her PTSD, you knew about that right?"

"Yeah..."

"Well it made me think about how you went through the same thing except, I don't know who you had to talk to so I wanted to let you know it could be me. If you needed it. Whenever we go out for drinks we don't talk about that. We're only serious here or at Castle's. You're my partner. I care about you Javi."

I struggle to find words.

"Thanks bro. Means a lot."

We settle, and his speech makes me think back to those times. I was like Ross. Depressed, with no one to talk to or nowhere to go.

There were things I couldn't just bring up in a conversation, especially not with my sisters or my mamá. Those things you can't tell someone you love because you don't want to see it hurt them. I kept everything inside like her even with all the crappy stuff I'd seen and been through.

When I first told my mamá about being shot, the only thing I could hear was her crying.

I never told anyone, but that killed me. I felt like it was my fault and I was just hurting everyone else.

These thoughts hurt, and I now regret everything I said to Samantha in the hospital. I know it is not fun to talk to someone about, and I made it worse by yelling at her.

I can't believe she's cutting so much though. That is like a knife to my heart. We've tried to get her to stop. I think the only thing we can do is take her to a psychiatrist. Dr. Burke could help her. I'll talk to her about it when she wakes up. In the meantime, I need some rest.

I close my eyes, and let the horrors of my past roll like a tape before me.

I see all the things I've pushed to the back of my mind.

My squads bodies, and then mine lying among them. My mamá's face of relief and sadness when I return home after being shot. Ryan and Castle being found, and knowing about Tyson. Beckett being shot, Samantha being kidnapped, and her after the bomb. I thought she was dead. And when she tried to kill herself. All of these terrifying memories I wish I could erase.

I spend the night waiting to hear my niece's screams, but they don't come. At six in the morning I start to get worried.

I poke Ryan in the shoulder.

"Pst. Ryan."

"What?" He mumbles, pulling the pillow over his head.

"Isn't Ross usually up by now?"

He bolts upright. "What time is it?"

"A little after six. Should we go check on her?"

"Yeah she has never slept this long."

We tiptoe to her room and peer inside, holding our breathes.

She's there, I can see her face.

"Is she alive?" I ask, moving forward.

"Wait." Ryan grabs my arm. "She'll freak and have a flashback. Try and see if she's breathing from here."

Heeding his words, I step back.

I focus on the blankets covering her. Sure enough, they rise and fall to the tempo of her usual breathing.

We look at each other perplexed.

"Maybe she's just really tired?" I suggest.

"I hope. She needs the rest, let her be. She'll wake up when she's ready."